This post was inspired by something a friend of mine posted in a Facebook group. I've never actually met this friend, we 'just' know each other through this group...but what she said really made me think.... Basically she has the same anxiety issues as I do, but until she posted I hadn't realised just how alike we were...the group we met through has nothing to do with anxiety issues. It made me realise that we all have different 'faces' we present to the world, depending on the situation. I don't mean that we lie, or pretend or anything like that, very often it's done without realising, and mostly it's just because we fit into different groups, and thus tend to only discuss 'relevant' things with these groups (clumsily written but I hope you understand what I mean). To be fair, I'd hazard a guess that being Facebook friends with someone means you've got a good chance of knowing a lot about them, depending on their level of sharing, but we all still hide things, whether through fear, or shame or just a feeling that we're not all that interesting.... Even sharing by writing this blog is easier for me because it's not being done face to face; I know people read it, and it is easier to talk to people about things when I know I don't have to explain it all. But today I thought I'd go back to basics, and tell you all about me - the me which some of you know, some of you don't and the bits of me which make up me... :)
So here goes
I AM:
A Student - When I was at school all I wanted to do was leave. Funny how that changes isn't it? At the age of 31 I went back to education and it was the best decision I ever made. I'd been at home, not working since I was signed off with depression in 2005, and this is/was the first step in getting back into the workplace. I've always loved history, it was my favourite subject at school and so I was always only ever going to do a history degree. Now I'm working on my MA and hoping to do a PhD and I know that being at Uni has been a boost when I needed it. Whatever else I feel bad about, I know that I've achieved my degree and am doing well at my MA. It has been a kernel of pride to hold onto when things are bad, and I'm feeling like a failure. Working on essays, and now my dissertation, makes me feel good. I'm learning, but I'm also coming to my own conclusions, backing them up, and showing that my ideas have merit. Learning about the past really does shed light on the present (for example - reading some mid-19th century newspapers is exactly like reading 21st century newspapers...seriously....and worryingly in the way in which the poor are treated and viewed - but that's for another blog entry).... I'm so glad I made the decision to go back to studying, and I'd recommend it for anyone...
I AM:
A Mother - One word which is so emotive, and not always in a good way. Being a mother is, for me anyway, pain as well as pleasure. I love A, hugely, massively, forever, but oh boy does it hurt sometimes. I am the mother of a teenager, but a teenager who takes things just that one step further and who breaks my heart sometimes. The pain of being treated, and spoken to, as though I'm one step below a bit of dirt, especially when it's coming from someone you love, is intense and long lasting. It doesn't go away when the behaviour changes, it just lingers and then comes back worse the next time. I love him, I'm proud of him, but at times I'm ashamed of the way he behaves, and I feel that I'm allowing him to behave that way. Even though I know that I've not encouraged it, or taught him to be that way, in my heart I feel shame, because as parents we are responsible for our children, because there is always something more I could do/have done, to make him change. I want to be proud of him, and I am, but knowing that his behaviour is (at times) so awful, and that people are making judgments about him, is very painful. Knowing that his behaviour reflects on me is very hard to take, especially when a) I'm on the receiving end anyway and b) I've tried so hard to bring him up properly. Witnessing him being bullied by some kids (who didn't realise that I was his mum) was distressing beyond belief - especially when their response to me calling them on it was to mouth off at me - and thus remind me again just how impotent we are against kids these days. I'd never have dared to speak to another adult the way they spoke to me, and although I know I wasn't perfect, I'm pretty sure I never spoke to, or treated my parents, the way A does me....so yeah I love being a mum, I love A, I love it when we spend time together and we're just chilling, enjoying life...but it's heartbreaking how quickly that can change and it makes me cherish the good times even more.
I AM:
Unemployed - oh dear, look at me...student AND unemployed, I'm pretty sure there are some people out there (not included in the lovely people reading this) who see me as the lowest of the low, someone who really should just be put in a workhouse and left to quietly die...yes really, there are people like that now (see my mini rant above re attitudes in 19th and 21st centuries).... It's very hard to realise that people who don't even know you, hate you and think you're scum.....fair enough if you've met me and think that, I'm sure you have your reasons, but just because I'm unemployed doesn't make me bad. There are reasons why I don't work. Good reasons. It's taken me a long long time to be able to say that, and to be fair if someone was in my face telling me I'm bad for being unemployed, I'm not sure I'd have the confidence to say it. But it's true. Panic attacks in the workplace tend to be frowned upon, as does not being able to talk to people because you've never met them before. I know that there are people out there who scam benefits, and who are workshy, but I'm not. And judging a whole group on the actions of a small minority is not fair, it says more about the person judging tho. As I've already stated, I am a mother...and thus I am damned if I do, and damned if I don't - by that I mean, I'm criticised for not working, but if I work then who supervises A, and who's blamed if he goes off the rails completely???? Oh yeah, that would be me.... So right now, the best thing for me and for A, is that I don't work. That may, probably will, change. Until then however, I want to do the best for A, and by default, for myself as well.
I AM:
A mad old cat lady - I know those of you who really know me are laughing at this but it's true. I love my cats. I really do. In the madness of my life they are the constant...they can calm me, infuriate me, make me laugh, make me cry - I wouldn't be without them. I have 4 at the moment and they all have different personalities.... Billy (we thought he was female until the vet came to spay, and realised that uh oh he'd have to neuter instead - Milly thus became Billy), is the only male cat and is thus not the boss..haha...he is becoming more of a softy in his old age, but still likes to catch the odd pigeon and fight with other cats. Molly is his sister, she is the boss and never lets him forget it. She is very much A's cat, she loves him and misses him when he's not here. She is,however, also a hussy and whoever comes into the house, be it police or fireman or friend, has to fuss her before anything else - yes she did try to climb the legs of the last policeman who came round....Taff is the quietest, she takes a while to trust people and is not a lap cat (although sometimes she'll deign to sit on me), however once she gets to know people she is very loving. She's more happy just curled up on the back of the sofa, getting the occasional fussing. Purdy is very much my cat, I sear she thinks I'm her mum (and that means that when she can't find me she will meow for me and yes I do meow back...hey, mad old cat lady remember)...she's a softy and very quiet but she's seen me through some very tough times..... My cats are here for me at all times, and I don't think I'd be ok without them.
I AM:
An Aston Villa supporter - (stop laughing at the back)...yes, for my sins, I was indoctrinated at a young age into the Villa...through good times and bad (I told you, stop laughing), I remain a supporter....although sometimes I wish there weren't quite so many bad times....
I AM:
A girl who likes sport - yes, really.....it's funny how many people, ok men, are shocked and, yes, upset by this fact. As if women can't like sport. Well I do. So there. I love watching football, tennis, F1, American football etc... I even understand the rules, although understanding the NFL took me a while....Sport allows me to just relax, to watch other people doing something they're good at, and to admire talent, and yes ok sometimes to admire the participants (cough Rafa Nadal cough)....
I AM:
Depressed and anxious a lot of the time - it's always there, underlying everything - that churning feeling in my stomach, the lump in my throat, the fear. Just because I seem to be ok doesn't mean I am. Equally just because I get anxious doesn't mean I can't overcome it, and have a good time. Meeting new people is terrifying, I project onto them my fears about what people think of me - so I worry that they're thinking that I'm a failure or whatever - even though logically I know they're not thinking it - why would they even care? - but the thought is in my head and I can't get it out. Going out and making conversation is really hard when all you can think is that people find you boring or laughable...again, the issue here is not that people are bad, but that my brain won't let me relax for a moment...people aren't bad and they aren't thinking those things (at least I don't think they are) but in my head I think that about me, so I fear others do as well (does that make sense?) It's so much safer to stay in, where I can talk over the 'net and not have to face people. It's not that I don't like people, I do..and once I know someone things are fine, but I'm so scared most of the time. That is very hard to overcome every single day. It takes so much effort that one day out can exhaust me for several days. A lot of what I think and feel is almost automatic now, so that I'm not even aware that I'm doing it - there's just this background level of churning and throat lumps to remind me that I'm not normal.
I AM:
A bookworm - ahhhh reading, saving me from awkward situations every day... I love books - those of you who've been to my house can testify to this....I'm a fast reader and I read everything from true crime, to history, to thrillers, to chick-lit, to real life stories.....reading allows me to escape, just for a while, and it means I'm rarely bored....
I AM:
A good friend - well I like to think so. For all my fears about meeting new people, once someone is a friend then that's all in the past - I love my friends, and my family, I'm so proud of them all and spending time with them is one of my favourite things. Facebook has allowed me to get to know so many new people, but also to keep in touch with 'old' ones....I cherish that, because without my friends and family, I'd be in so much trouble. They keep me going, they help me out in so many ways, and being part of a family/friends group is such a lovely feeling. It counteracts the muttering inside telling me I'm a failure, it helps to remind me that I am loved, and that no matter how bad I feel, someone is there for me. I hope, and I try, to be as good a friend to people as they are to me.. Without friends and family, the world would be a cold empty place....
Well, that's it for now - maybe I'll think of more... it's been good to write this down, it's reminded me of things to be grateful for and helped me, for a little bit, to ignore the nasty thoughts.... Thank you
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