Being me...........

This week I have been mostly thinking about....sleep.. Yes, the old bug-bear, insomnia, reared its ugly head again and from last Thursday night through to last Sunday night, I didn't get to sleep much before 4am, and had disturbing dreams once I did fall asleep. Needless to say I was, and still am, very very tired. Monday and Tuesday nights were bother a lot better, in that I got to sleep earlier (albeit still after midnight), but I still feel exhausted and shaky. I'm not having nightmares in the traditional sense, no scary monsters or serial killers chasing me, but my dreams always seem to have this unseen menace that I'm aware of. Or I end up behaving badly, as in being horrible to people, in them.... which (daft as it sounds) does leave a feeling of unhappiness which lingers long after I've woken up. Fortunately I don't have any urgent work to do this week, and so I don't have to feel panicked about the cotton wool feeling in my head.... I'm also resisting the urge (at least so far) to go and nap during the day... I don't know if that will help, but it's worth a try. 

Anyway, I thought that today I'd talk about how my anxiety and depression affect me on a day to day basis. I'm well aware that some of what I'll say will probably sound ridiculous, and easy to overcome, but in reality (and dealing with this every day), it's not that easy. 

As I've already said, my sleep is definitely affected and this is the first thing which has a knock on effect on the rest of my day. Lack of sleep is one thing, because it is (as fellow insomnia suffers will agree) frustrating whilst it's happening as well as being physically debilitating as well. I'm very fortunate in that because I'm not working at the moment, I can (and do) rest during the day. But that doesn't help with the dreams, which can leave me feeling very unsettled and upset for several days. However I do still love my bed, and every night I believe that I will have a good sleep and pleasant dreams. It's about the only area where I'm able to be optimistic. Probably because I do, really, love my bed and sleep.... 

Leaving the house can be problematic. It means that I have to have contact with strangers - something which scares me. I'm aware that this fear is irrational, but that isn't enough to stop it happening. There is a low level, constant, background continuous anxiety in me whenever I leave the house. Which frankly is exhausting. The thing is, I can talk to people I don't know, but that doesn't mean that inside I'm ok, it just means that sometimes I'm able to make myself cope. Some things are worse than others. For example those people who stop you and ask you to donate to charity, or sign up for a catalogue...oh boy do I *hate* it when I spot them. I feel physically sick. Because even a polite no and a shake of the head isn't enough (sometimes) to stop them following you and asking you for money (to be fair the catalogue people do tend to take no for an answer, and leave you alone). I've been shouted at, called a "stingy bitch", called a "greedy fat cow", and in one case followed several feet down the street. I'm sure I'm not the only one this has happened to, and it's wrong. I shouldn't be scared to go into town in case those people are out in force. A no should be enough, and granted sometimes it is, but when (like today) it isn't enough then their reaction leaves me shaking and nauseous and wondering why I bothered leaving the house. 

At other times I can be hyper-sensitive, and feel as though I've said something wrong (when I haven't) or that I've upset people (when I haven't)...I beat myself up, why did I say x, y or z? Why did I have an opinion? Why did I share it? Who have I upset? I can be really hard on myself, and it's no fun.... No matter how many times I try and distract myself, the thoughts come back. Until, for some unknown reason, they just stop. And I'm ok again. 

The thing is that, as bad as things can be, I can (and do) cope. Even if it is only barely at times, and exhausting. I read, I watch documentaries, I spend time with A (when he's here and not busy with his friends), I chat to my friends, I go to the library, I work on my MA dissertation...all of these things help to keep me going, and to in one piece. But underlying it all is that feeling inside, the churning stomach and mild nausea, and the shakiness.....I will fight this, and I will win. But it's hard. More so because it's all internal, and it involves feelings which everyone else deals with and copes with every day. Except I can't. So I feel bad for that.... and we're off again, on the rollercoaster of doubt, depression, anxiety and loathing... 

However, I have my first counselling appointment tomorrow. Now, unsurprisingly, I'm kinda nervous about it. I want it to work, and I'm going there with hope. But it's with someone I've never met before, and it's a he as well....yeah yeah, I know I shouldn't care but it's this stupid anxiety - for some reason, at least until I meet him, I'm slightly more threatened by the idea of a male counselor. 

So watch this space, hopefully tomorrow will be the first step on the road to recovery. I hope so. I really do...