Hope

So....I've had a few fails this week....one in particular has bothered me quite a lot. So I'm going to use this post as a kind of confessional, and hope that will help me to move on...and stop beating up on myself.

On Wednesday A came home from school complaining that his finger was hurting. He'd been hit by a ball during p.e. and it had bent his finger right back. It was swollen, and I did think there was a good chance that it was broken but I know (from experience) that there isn't much that can be done for broken fingers - just strapping and painkillers. So I offered both to him. And he refused. And that's where it all started to go wrong. Because his refusal really annoyed me. Mostly because he carried on and on about it hurting, but wouldn't do anything to help himself. However, I should have been more adult about it, and not let it get to me so much. However I was tense already as I knew I had my first counselling appointment on Thursday, and by that point I was really starting to get stressed about it (as I think I mentioned in my last blog entry). That night I didn't sleep very well at all. I kept going over and over in my mind about the counselling, worrying about being judged and worrying about how it would go. Anyway, Thursday morning comes and A is refusing to go to school. His finger was still swollen and painful, but all I could think was that I had to go to this counselling appointment - and no I'm not proud of that at all. Things got a little tense between A and I, and I got more and more stressed and the more stressed I got, the more I just wanted to be alone. In the end, I realised that no matter what, I wasn't going to be able to get to the counselling, and luckily I was able to rearrange it. I then ended up taking A to the local walk in treatment centre. By this point I was so stressed and upset that I didn't want to talk to anyone. I wasn't horrible to A, but I certainly wasn't kind and comforting, and I'm so ashamed of that. No matter what I was feeling, I should have been the adult and been more accepting of things. As it turned out his finger was broken, the middle knuckle joint had a chunk broken out, and the bone below was cracked. They strapped it, but they also referred him to the hand clinic because it's his right hand (writing hand). So we were both right, and yet I was in the wrong. I should have taken him to the clinic on Wednesday night, instead of being all stroppy about him not listening to me. Then I should have accepted that my plans had to change, and not allowed myself to get so wound up on the Thursday morning....I have learnt from this. On the plus side, A apologised to me for being rude, and I apologised to him for being mean, and  so we did make up before he went to school...

Then I went home, indulged my inner toddler and had a nap. When I woke up I felt so much better.... It's a chastening thought you know, I'm closer to my inner toddler than I like to admit sometimes. I'm still nervous about the counselling appointment next week, but I've arranged to see two of my favourite people afterwards so at least this time I'll have something else to focus on and hopefully that will carry me through.

Yesterday was a much better day. I got to talk to my mum, which always helps. And then in the evening I went to hear the legend that is Mr James Thomas speak at the second Annual Westbourne History Series. It was such a lovely evening. JT was one of my lecturers when I was an under-grad and he really is legendary. Not only does he write and lecture on naval history but he does a unit call Rum, Sodomy and the Lash during year 2 of the history degree. It's about pirates and is probably the most popular unit in the whole degree...some of which is due to the topic, but most of it is due to JT. He is just lovely, able to inspire and teach and bring students on to achieve their potential. Ask anyone who's been taught by him, and I can guarantee that they will remember him with affection. I also got to catch up with his wife, and with Maureen and Frank (who host the series) as well as other friends..It was just so nice, although it did remind me how much I miss going into seminars....I love being able to discuss historical issues with people, I feel at home when I'm doing that. Much as I love the MA, I do miss the interaction of the undergrad system, with the seminars..I miss that contact, and I miss the discussions. I'm so glad that my enthusiasm for history hasn't been dimmed too much by this horrible depression/anxiety. It's helping to keep me going, and reminding me that I'm still me, even when I feel like a total loser.

Speaking of losing, and changing the subject totally, brings me to my weight. I've still been fairly good about what I eat, but the last few weeks have seen me slip somewhat. I bought myself a tin of sweets (cheap) on Thursday when I was feeling so very low. I've eaten some, even tho I haven't enjoyed it all. I just felt sick. I may donate them to A, because I don't want to waste them, but I don't want to eat them either. I'm conscious that (because I've not been exercising as much) my clothes are getting a bit tighter and I want to get on top of that before it goes too far.

The way I felt on Thursday was the worst it's been for a long time. I just felt totally numb outside, and all churny and angry on the inside. I just wanted to be on my own and could barely bring myself to communicate with the staff at the walk in centre. I'm sure they wondered what was going on, but A did manage to explain what had happened to him so well that I think I 'got away' with it. But I still feel awful about it. Normally when I feel like that I can hide it because I don't have to go out, but this time I got caught and it wasn't pleasant. I'm so fed up of feeling like this; if I could stop right now I would. But no matter how much I want to, it's hard to actually do it. It feels as tho I'm not in control of my feelings at times. But I'm going to speak to the counsellor, and I'm also going to try and be hopeful and positive about things. Instead of worrying, I try to think of the good which will come from this counselling, and from being able to recognise when I'm having a problem. I'm also going to make a real effort to exercise every day (I'd love to be able to get a dog, because then I know I'd walk daily but a) expense and b) cats), whether it's walking or something at home. I'm also going to crack on and make myself be proactive on my dissertation. I can very easily give in to feeling useless and let that stop me from trying. But that's daft, I can do it, I love doing it and I will do it. I know it won't be easy, and I know that I will have tough days. But I'm so so sick of feeling/being like this.

I've realised that I'm slightly envious of my friends who are in relationships. I'm going to be 37 this year and when I was younger I always thought that by this age I'd be married, settled with kids etc. I never expected to be a single mum, unemployed and suffering from depression and anxiety. When I think about having a relationship I'm still cautious about it, but I'm also beginning to feel that I need to get myself together and make moves to start living properly again. It would be so nice to have that togetherness, support, love, company and all the things which come with a relationship. I guess I'm just opening myself up to the fact that I'd like that again. And I recognise that I've got to sort things out because right now I'm in no way ready (or attractive enough) for that to happen.

So this week has been about thinking, and about making decisions. About choosing hope instead of despair. I know it won't be easy. I know there will be more posts where I'm feeling down and lose hope, but I'm also hoping that eventually I will get there. My dream of doing a PhD and teaching/lecturing/researching is still strong, and if I want to achieve it then I have to move forward, and deal with the depression/anxiety. It's very easy to 'wallow', not in a bad way but in a 'lost hope' way. It's easy to sit at home and not know where to go or what to do next. I'm fighting those feelings even as I write this. But if I don't have the hope that things will get better then I may as well give up now. And I have no intention of doing that. I have A, and my family and friends, who all support me. I will get there. In the meantime, thank you all for your support - it means so much and I really appreciate it...