Giving up and getting on........................................

Apologies (again) for the lack of a post yesterday....sadly things rather kicked off again and I was in no fit state to write, I could barely string my thoughts together....it's marginally better today, and I feel the need to vent...you have been warned!! lol

So the day started off well yesterday... I had an appointment for the work scheme (JSA related) which I was dreading, but it turned out ok. There were no shouty, drunken men there, and although the office still freaks me out, the adviser was lovely. She took down all the information, and asked questions which showed she 'got' what I was saying. She also took it all seriously, and so I'm cautiously optimistic that whatever happens with the various referrals for Aiden and I, it will be taken into account. 

I then moved on to the library, and the peace of the research centre. Lovely. They've got a nice big pile of 19th century documents for me to look at, and I spent some very satisfying hours (broken up by a lovely lunch with J), looking through them and getting very excited by the information I found. 

And then I came home and the day went downhill FAST.......

A had been at a friends the night before, but his dad had made the decision that, because I was at the library all day, he would give A a key to his flat so that he could get in for lunch etc. Both his dad and I had made it clear to A that he wasn't allowed to have any friends in the flat, and that he was only to go in there for lunch (or a comfort break). It was a big thing, trusting him again. 

Whilst I was having lunch with J, I received a phone call from A, who was in tears. He told me that he'd had a fight with his friends, and had retreated to the flat to calm down. His friends had apparently followed him there and he'd allowed them in. *sigh* They then began acting, in A's words, 'cocky' so he told them to leave, and when he tried to make them leave, one of them got him by the throat and bashed him up against the wall. A was so upset at this point that I told him to come into town. He did this, arriving with some other friends, and by that point appearing to be totally fine. J had kindly offered to look after him for the afternoon, and he was happy with that. And that was that. Or so I thought...

When I got home, I received a text from A's dad. He told me that he'd arrived home to find that the ashtrays had been overturned and gone through, and a can (maybe 2) of cider had been emptied, with a glass which stank of alcohol sat on the side. My heart sank. So far we've avoided (or so I'd thought) the whole issue of alcohol, for which I was really grateful.  Naturally P was furious. He asked me to have A overnight as he was so cross with him that he didn't want to face him. But by that point it was already too late to let J know, and A was already on his way to his dads. When he eventually made it to mine, he was grumpy and taciturn, not surprisingly I guess. I asked him what had happened and the first story he told, was that they'd forced him to let them in and had made him drink, but he didn't like it. However, once it became clear that P was going to be making a visit to the boys parents, A got increasingly upset. He refused to say why, but (even though I was in the same room) he then texted me that it was all his idea! Yup, heart sinking time again. As soon as he'd said that, he ran. As in, upped and left the house. His normal reaction, but having been pleased that he'd owned up, I had hoped that he wouldn't run. 

So there we were, me texting P, and A running....oh, and me feeling as though I'd fallen through the rabbit hole and wondering where the rescue team were.... A rang me eventually, refused to come back, did the whole bolshy "I'm running, I'm never coming back, I'll live on the streets" etc. thing.... However when P told him that he'd lose the PS3 if he didn't come back, he rang to say he was returning but only cos he didn't want to lose the PS3..yeah, I was wounded...but at least he came back. To be honest, much of the rest of the evening is a blur, I just wanted peace and quiet and thank fully I got it. I did speak to my mum - because my main thought at that point was that A needed to be out of Portsmouth. I wanted to see if my parents could have him. A hated the idea of being made to leave Portsmouth, but that just made me like the idea more. Eventually he fell asleep on the sofa, and I went to bed. 

Cut to this morning, and A's realisation that I had meant it when I said he was grounded. Cue an outburst. My mum rang to say that they couldn't have him, but that she was going to try and come down next week to help. I love my parents so so much....they've been there for me, and done so much....I can't thank them enough.... Part of the reason for my mum coming down was so that I could go into the library and complete the research - I can't go in now unless someone is with A..it's just not possible. But these last few weeks have made me reassess just what I can (and can't) do right now. I love doing my MA and in an ideal world I'd continue as I have been and complete as planned. I'm just not sure that it's possible any more. I'm way behind on my research - because of all the problems with A at the end of term. I've also still not finished the secondary reading. And, unsurprisingly, I've not started writing it yet. Now, if I could guarantee to be able to work on it every day from now until the 22nd September, then I don't think it would be a problem, it would be hard but I know I could do it. That guarantee just isn't possible tho. I need to spend time with A, I refuse to stop that - even when he doesn't want to be with me, or refuses my suggestions..he comes first. Then there's the fact that the chances of him behaving himself for the rest of the holidays is slim to none. Added to that is the fact that he can't be trusted on his own. I'm not sure how long we're going to ground him for but I'm guessing it's going to be the rest of the holidays. And since I'm at home, that means being here with him. I can't go to the library and leave him at home, and I can't take him with me. Finally, having him at home means it's near impossible to work. He's so hyperactive, and that's the least of the issues. So I've emailed my dissertation supervisor and told him what's happened. I've asked for a meeting, and I'm going to see if I can suspend and maybe complete the dissertation during the next year. In effect doing a part time MA. 

Looking back, I should have done the MA part time any way. I feel like such an idiot for thinking that I could manage it over one year. To be fair, the first part of the course wasn't too bad, and I managed. But this dissertation part is a nightmare. Not the dissertation itself, but the ability to complete it. I hoped that A would behave, and would be with friends so that on the days I needed to go to the library I could, and that when I had to work, he'd be alright. I'd planned to work between 10 and 4 so that I could spend time with him. And I was prepared to be flexible, to take days off and to swap around when I worked so that we could do things together. So far he's refused to spend any more time with me than he has to, i.e. the evenings. Which is what makes it so hard to hear that he may be behaving like this because he needs attention. I feel like a total failure, and a crap mum. He doesn't want to be with me, but he'll still behave appallingly to get attention...and what kind of mum am I, that I don't pick up on this??? I said to someone today, that there's a fine line between independence and too much freedom. This is true, and I've come down on the wrong side. I remember having freedom, and spending days at the park, or with friends, playing in the river, playing in the garden, reading, having fun...and that's what I'd hoped A was having. Instead it appears that he's been hanging around with kids with whom he can indulge his penchant for bad behaviour. Don't get me wrong, I hold him fully responsible for his actions, but I also know that he has friends who wouldn't go along with his suggestions, who wouldn't dream of behaving like that....it just seems that, given the choice, he'd rather run with the wrong crowd. My need to get the dissertation completed has collided with his desire to test (or rather charge straight through) the boundaries. Something has to give. It has to be my dissertation. I can go back to that. I can't get A back if he goes too far down that road.

So this morning I decided that I was going to put the dissertation on hold for the time being. I will speak to my supervisor next week, and I plan to go in and finish that initial library research when my mum is down next week. That is because the documents need to go back to the archive, and also because mum is coming down partly for that reason. Depending on what my supervisor says, I'll make a final decision next week. I have to be honest, making this decision has left me feeling relieved; I don't have to panic about getting work done when he's behaving badly, I don't have to feel that I must do research, when my gut is telling me that I can't leave A on his own and I don't have to feel as though I'm only giving a partial effort (due to stress and depression) when I need to give 100%. 

A and I went for a bike ride this afternoon - well I rode, he skateboarded. We went to Southsea, to the new library there. It was a lovely time. He chose some books - woohoo. So did I - woohoo again. All was good. Then this evening he tried to persuade me that, as he'd arranged to go to the beach with his friends tomorrow, he should be allowed to so he "didn't let them down"...ummmm no chance....needless to say he was not happy about that. And now we're back to square one. He is currently upstairs, talking on his mobile to a friend, despite the fact that I've told him to get off or else he'll lose his phone. He's just refused. So that's his phone gone then. When he's like this I just hate it. He refuses and I can't make him. Well I could; I could physically go up and take his phone away but that would end in violence (probably). Apart from that, I just have to reiterate the sanctions, and follow through. And I do. But that doesn't stop me from feeling like a total useless waste of space failure of a mother. 

I'm desperate for some official help. I need someone to come and help me, someone who can push for the official proper help A needs. Because if he doesn't get it, then I dread to think what his future will be. I can't keep doing this. I love him, he's my son. But this is so painful, being treated like dirt by my own 12 year old son. And this is more than teenage issues. I know it is, even if I don't like to think so. Maybe I'm wrong, I hope I am, I hope than in two years I can look back and think, well it worked out in the end. But I'm doubtful. He can be loving, kind, caring, calm, smiling, he can be a 'normal' teenager....I'm so happy when he's like that. I want that back. I want to not have a constant knot in my throat, palpitations, a churning stomach, headache, sick feeling...I want to be calm, happy, not fearing what's coming round the corner, I want to be able to trust him....that is the biggest thing...trust....it's horrible not being able to trust someone... I want to be able to have a chat with my parents that doesn't involve talking about A's latest actions, and doesn't involve them having to worry, feel bad, helpless or work out how to support me best. I want to stop being angry with A, to never again feel as though I can't cope with him, to be able to look forward with hope, to not have the fear that he'll be taken away from me, to not feel like I'm the worst mother ever.... I want so many things...and you know what is going through my mind right now - how damn lucky I am, because I have friends who would give anything to hold their own sons again.... I hate that I'm so lucky to have my child, and yet I'm still stressed, depressed, anxious and all that..... 

So thank you for reading this latest vent/stream of consciousness.. I'm really sorry if I've upset anyone. Please know that I'm well aware that people may (rightly) think that compared to others I'm lucky and shouldn't complain...but for me, this is so so painful and hard to deal with. I miss the old A. I want him back. And this blog helps me to vent, to get out some of the awful feelings inside me so that I don't explode, so that I can still try to be a good mum to him and not collapse in a heap of failure. Feel free to ask me anything, I don't mind. You guys have no idea how much this blog helps, and how much I appreciate the people who read it.