First of all, many apologies for the irate rant which was my last entry.....a combination of fear, lack of medication and stress seems to have made me a little, uh, emotional....sorry about that.... The last few days have been very difficult, and have emphasised to me just how effective my medication actually is. After 4 days without it, I was shaky, nauseous, twitchy, had palpitations and what the doctors call 'brain lightning' [very hard to explain, it's a jolt which is internal and starts in the head...not painful as such, but very unpleasant], as well as being hugely emotional and feeling as though my blood was 'thrumming' in my veins..yeah, not at all fun.... Thankfully, when I rang the surgery on Friday, ready to do battle (and able to go to an appointment as A was with his dad), the nice lady I spoke to (not same one as I'd spoken to before) said that a months supply had been done, but that I'd need an appointment in the next couple of weeks....so so relieved, and the appointment has been made. It's not with my regular doctor, and I'm not happy about it, but it has to be done and I never want to go through those last few days again...wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.... So I have my pills again, and even having only taken 2 doses, I can feel the effects - I feel much calmer, my palpitations aren't as bad, and I feel reasonably rational again...which is nice...
In other news, the Uni have backed down somewhat, and reduced the charge for me to do the dissertation next year, to £96. Of course I don't want to pay anything but at least this is relatively affordable. I'm feeling a lot better about it now. I know I've made the right decision. I didn't realise just how close to cracking I was, and completing the dissertation in these circumstances was just not possible. I'm enjoying the freedom to just read for pleasure, and to spend time with A. I do still feel the pressure and urge to work on my dissertation, that hasn't gone, and neither has my 'want' to do it, but I'm reminding myself that I have time and that I need this break....I love my MA, and I want to do my best, and for me this is the way to do it.
A is still behaving appallingly at times. It's still incredibly difficult to deal with, and I've (guiltily) enjoyed the last couple of days when he has been with his dad. I love him, and I do miss him, but oh the pleasure of not having to be on edge all the time. A's behaviour may be 'normal', in the sense that it is what teenagers do...but it's the extent and extreme nature of it which is so hard to deal with. It's not normal behaviour. It's obsessive, and extreme....he does not seem to have an off switch at times, and there is no reasoning with him.
I've just finished reading a book called Life at the Edge and Beyond, by Jan Greenman... I recommend it for anyone who wants to understand what A is like, and what we go through trying to deal with him. Jan's son Luke is [and I hesitate to use this word, because it sounds like I'm being critical and I'm not], worse than A...he started younger, and demonstrates more behavioural traits than A does...BUT, when I was reading it, it was like reading about A....the obsessive behaviour, the sheer lack of appreciation for consequences of his behaviour, the violence, the swearing and insults, the hatred of school (although the way Luke's school treated him made my blood run cold - yes I can see A in that situation, and yes it frightens me), the hatred of being disturbed when he's involved in something, the violent reaction to being woken up, the fact that some days he can be totally ok and much more.... I got the book from the library, and I nearly cried when I read it...I related so so much to Jan, to what she felt and what she was going through...at one point she says "You don't want to convince other people that your child is a monster, but sometimes you do want to tell them what a nightmare you are living." (p. 74).... Woah, did I just call my child a nightmare, gosh I'm a bad mother (sarcasm there...honest)...but seriously, there is also that - how can I call my child, who I love so very much, a nightmare, I'm lucky to have him...yes all that is true....but I have to be honest, when he's behaving at his worst he is so difficult to deal with and yet if I'm honest about it, and about how it makes me feel, I'm condemned as bad mother, who doesn't deserve to have children.... It's so isolating and heartbreaking.... Walk a mile in my shoes (well actually don't, I kinda like my shoes), and then you will understand.... The other day, he came and cuddled up to me, and fell asleep on my lap - I was so happy.... then today he's back to "I hate you" and slamming things around (actually quite a mild outburst as they go), because I said "no" to him... The toughest part, in some ways, is the fact that whilst his behaviour resembles 'normal' teenage attitudes etc., it actually is much worse, and more extreme (that word again).... So I get people who think I should just suck it up, and stop complaining, because all parents go through it....and that's just not true... But I understand why people may think that (I guess), it's just that when I'm watching it, and being impacted by it, there's a mother's instinct inside which tells me that this is more than 'normal'... I don't know... I guess until we've seen Camhs again I won't know for sure, but it's getting harder and harder to stay positive...
In the mean time, the football season started again today....as a Villa fan I now declare that the season is only 37 games long, not 38 (Liverpool fans may also agree with me..lol)... There's a rhythm to the year, and the start of the football season means the beginning of the end of summer, and the countdown to the start of school.... Living in Portsmouth, this season means sheer relief that the club is still going.....A is a passionate Pompey fan (tears when he thought they may go out of business), and I don't think many people realise just how much the team is part of the fabric of the city....I've watched the way in which 'businessmen' have come in and screwed around with the club, with a mixture of anger and frustration... Fingers crossed that they can come through this, and be a properly run club again....
Right, I must stop talking now... As always, if you have any questions, or points, or anything you want to say then please just email me ... I'd rather answer a question than have misconceptions out there...
Thank you :)
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