It really is..... It will be lovely when I eventually manage to have time on an even keel....but that doesn't look like it will happen any time soon. It's knackering though, all this emotion....and I'm getting a tad fed up of it....which is why I've not blogged the last few days....the thought of having to marshal my thoughts and write them down coherently, was not attractive... And yet, it's not actually been that bad a time...in that there have been no major incidents....but for some reason at the moment, I'm just in that 'blah' mode.... sigh
Sunday was spent lazing with the cats, although they're far better at it than I am..lol... A was with his dad, and so I was able to relax, if only for a little while.... Yesterday I had to go in and out of town twice, poor planning on my part but at least it meant that I got plenty of exercise... Signing on was ok, although there's still no sign of them making a decision about my JSA.... and then in the afternoon I had to to the work program place, which wasn't too bad....they did another 'better off calculation', and as I thought (unsurprisingly) I will be better off when I get a job....it's just the finding of a job which is proving problematic.... I need something so specific at the moment, because of A. He can't be left on his own yet, and since his dad and J split up, there's nowhere for him to go after school....so I need something which is school hours only...and those jobs are like gold dust. So we shall see what happens now. I'm not as stressed about it as I was, because I've realised that there's nothing more I can do...I'm sure the stress will return, but for now I'm glad it's not here...one less bit of stress is a good thing....
Last night, for example, reminded me why it is easier when A is at his dads..... It took a lot of persistence to get him upstairs at bed time, he clearly wanted to sleep on the sofa, but (although I don't mind if he falls asleep on there) I wasn't going to let him just stay up and watch telly - which is what I thought would happen...Anyway, I got him up and into his room, at which point he decided that it smelt...now I couldn't smell a thing, but I opened the window and sprayed febreze on various things....but that wasn't good enough...I think that he wanted to go and lay on the sofa and watch telly, but I wasn't going to let him....so I had to persist, through all the anger and name calling, until in the end he agreed to go and try to sleep in his bed and if he wasn't asleep in 20 mins then we'd think again...the first few times he set his alarm, and then came in saying he couldn't sleep but in the end he agreed not to do that...and lo and behold he fell asleep...woohoo....in fact he stayed asleep until gone midday today.... oh yes....
However, he's still very grumpy and it's been an effort not to lose my cool with him tonight. It's so hard, when he denies that something has occurred, when I know for a fact it has....I just have to ignore him, and hope that he will distract himself....
As for me, I'm feeling (as I said earlier) rather blah....not really down, and not really bad...just blah... I'm having fun but when I'm not occupied, then I find myself feeling lousy and with thoughts going round and round in my head....also, even the slightest problem with A is making me feel bad, useless and depressed... Yet I am able to almost talk myself out of it, and to distract myself (reading, telly, internet) fairly easily...hence my first statement about it being a rollercoaster....there's no consistency and it's exhausting being so blah and having to make such an effort not to be...argh...sorry, I'll stop moaning now....
Not sure what the plans are for the rest of the week...depends on the weather I guess...am hoping to be able to get out with A (fingers crossed) ...
On the old weight loss front, things have been tougher.. I've had a few treats over the last few weeks, and due to feeling bloated, I've also felt a bit crappy in terms of losing weight...however, my ball gown arrived last week and it fits...so that cheered me up....and I keep reminding myself that I'm exercising and eating sensibly and that anything good will take time, that it's better for it to take longer than to lose too quickly.... Again, I think that as time passes, the initial losses smooth out, and so it's harder to see results and then it gets a bit disheartening...so I'm just trying to stay calm and not give up... I did find myself slipping into the 'snacking' habit, so I've had to stop and make sure I don't do that.... it's so easy to do, especially when times are tough....
Right, I'm off to fuss a cat or four... :)
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