**DISCLAIMER: Generally speaking when I say 'you' within this post, I am speaking generically, however it may be that some who are reading this will recognise certain statements - for that I am not sorry, you said it, you own it and if it's as reasonable a view as you think it is then you've got nothing to be ashamed of, right?.....at least I've not named you**
Yeah it's been a bit like that these last couple of weeks.....First of all I was poorly, then (just as I was feeling better), A developed some nasty stomach problems and couldn't go to school.... I'm not sure whether it is just this bout of illness which has led to my feeling so meh about everything, or whether it's my underlying issues rearing their ugly heads again.....probably a combination of the two...meh.... I know it's a bit childish but that really is the way I'm feeling right now. Today particularly I have been fighting a constant feeling of anxiety, almost panic, and it's been an enormous effort just to stay out of bed....I really just wanted to go and get into bed and just not interact with the world today. Don't think that it was any kind of success that I stayed up, after all I merely stayed on the sofa, surfing the 'net and talking to the cats....but I guess at least A didn't have to witness me failing at life, and frankly it was only because I have him with me that I didn't just go back to bed.
I'm alternating between being angry at the world, and being ambivalent about it...I don't quite know why this is happening and whatever I do (exercise, reading, Uni work, being with A, chatting with friends) nothing actually takes that feeling away, it's just there, lurking... I think that part of the reason I'm feeling like this is because right now, here in the UK, the government is enacting some pretty brutal cuts aimed at people like me....and so whenever I surface and interact with the world, I'm faced with this horrible fact. Either I see people celebrating that 'scroungers' (because yeah *all* benefit recipients are scrounging >>sarcasm<<) are being 'punished'....or I see the other side, the reality of the situation - with people losing their homes, their ability to feed their kids (as someone said to me "why should taxpayers pay for their kids"....uh maybe because it's the humane, kind, generous thing to do....and because leaving kids to starve (even if their parents are feckless - and that's a big IF, and a dangerous, vile generalisation) is just plain WRONG) and even their lives.... It really is very hard to accept...that we live in a country which would rather dump on those who have little, than ask those who have masses to contribute a fraction more....
I don't get this logic that says we can't tax the rich more because it's wrong, but we can take from the middle-class and from the poor because....well funny I never actually get a because to that....unless it's the accusation of jealousy and/or the tired and ridiculous argument that we can't tax them 'cos they're the job-creators and if we tax them then they won't create jobs....uh yeah, cos that whole 'job creation' thing is working so well right now....sigh..... Fact is if you live in a country, you're part of that society and you have a duty to help out other members of that society. If you don't want to do that then go and live on an island and provide for yourself; for one thing, you never know when it may be you who needs the help of the welfare state.......Avoiding taxes is not clever, it's selfish...it's saying that your need to have a few more £'s is more important than anything else. I'm talking here about the billionaires (even millionaires) and the corporations, those who can well afford to pay more but who use their riches to avoid even paying the basics.... They utilise society and its infrastructure (roads, hospitals etc.) but they don't want to pay for it. They claim that if we don't tax them, the wealth will trickle down, but then they store their money off-shore and little if any of it comes back into the country. Fact is that people who are comfortable and even poor, are more likely to put money back into the country because they buy goods, they don't hold onto their money - they spend it.... But instead of trying to help these people out, the government is raising their burden....and then, just to put the sewage on top of the poop cake (sorry mum), they've managed to convince them that the blame should be placed on those who have even less than they do....
I think this is one of the hardest things right now, as I think I've said before, having to see people who I consider friends (and who are family in some cases) happy to condemn and slate those who are unemployed, or single parents; anyone who is on benefits basically..... It actually physically hurts me to read some of their comments at times....Times are hard for everyone right now. I know that. But why why why do you have to accept the media/gov't spiel that it's all the fault of people who (for whatever reason) are claiming benefits...Sometimes it seems as though people are jealous, as if they think that those of us on benefits are somehow living a utopian dream where we have everything we want and are just living the high life on everyone else's money.....ha...if you really think that then feel free to swap places with me....then you too can decide between whether you eat or A eats, whether you buy food or pay the bills.....and I've got it better than most, I have a guaranteed roof over my head - not all my friends do. If you're jealous of people on benefits then may I suggest you hand over your job to one of them, and start claiming - I give it a week before you're screaming for your job back.....yeah we don't get up and go to work but trust me, we'd much rather do that, than be in this position..... Oh and don't even mention all those who 'can't be bothered to work' - yeah the 0.01% of those claiming who are fraudulent....because obviously they represent all of us... sigh.... Please please research, don't just take what the papers say, or the BBC/ITV/Channel 4 - research, look, you can find more accurate information and you may just realise that you're being misled *cough* lied to *cough*.....
Which brings me onto the next thing which is making life very hard right now - being on benefits because I'm sick, and (ding ding ding bonus) an illness which can't be seen..... Not to mention the fact that I'm overweight - whoo boy I am just racking up those points on the 'look at the lazy scrounging bitch' board aren't I? Yay me.. Ok here it is: I am ill. Yes I really am. I am not faking it, I am not making it up so that I can 'get out of working' (yes, I have had someone say that to me), I am not lying, and I am most definitely not enjoying it. I take some very powerful drugs every day, just to enable me to function and get through the day (and sometimes that doesn't work). Even with those drugs I still struggle. Even with the counselling (which has helped) I still struggle. Every single day it is an effort to get up, not because I'm lazy, but because for whatever reason my brain chemistry is such that I cannot cope with things everyone else takes for granted. And guess what I'D MUCH RATHER BE ABLE TO COPE!!!!!!!! Funnily enough having constant panic attacks, not wanting to leave the house, being unable to talk to people at times, feeling like I'm a failure, hating myself etc. etc. is NOT FUN....again, if I could, I'd swap with some of those who criticise me (and those like me) - I bet, 24 hours in my mind and they'd be begging to swap back again..... I wish I could 'fix' myself, I really do. And I know that I'll never convince some people that I can't, but it's true. It is exhausting being me. If I push myself, i.e. leaving the house, then it is a minefield of potential triggers: e.g. people who I don't know trying to talk to me - now that's not a bad thing in general but for me it is scary, and it is hard because I want to be polite but inside I'm screaming 'leave me alone'....then if I don't leave the house, I get to beat myself up for being a failure....
And the weight thing - it's been nearly a year since I started this blog and stopped pigging on chocolate - now sadly I've not made it through the Easter period without a binge but it was a small one and frankly I'm working on not beating myself up at the moment so I think I'll just move on.... I have tried very hard to lose weight this year, I have cut out certain foods, eaten smaller portions and generally improved my relationship with food. I used to use it as a crutch, or a medication in relation to my depression and anxiety - now I don't. And I think I'm right to be pleased about that. Yes I ate a couple of Easter eggs but I didn't (and don't) feel the need now to rush out and buy a load more or even to stock up on chocolate in general - and that is progress.... However, my weight has not gone down as much as I'd hoped - and that is probably because I've not managed to exercise as much as I wanted to or hoped to.....and *that* is because my right knee is still hugely problematic. I'm hoping to get an appointment for physio soon....but in the meantime walking, and cycling, are painful.. I still do them - I walk at least 30 mins every day - even if I don't leave the house, I will make sure I walk round (circuits) so that I'm up and exercising....but the end result is pain.....a burning stabbing pain in the inner (left) side of my knee....on Thursday I walked into the local shopping centre, not far from where I live, and the pain was so bad I was in tears.... It seems to be a bit catch 22 right now - I need to lose weight to help my knee but I can't exercise because of my knee ........ fingers crossed that phyiso will be available and will help because I'm close to just giving up.
So, I think I've covered the whole 'anger' part - what about apathy? Well that comes when it all gets too much and I just withdraw from everything.....I can't do that too much ,especially when I have A, so I'm definitely a lot more angry recently. When I really just don't want to deal with the everyday reality of being part of a despised section of society, of being loathed by people who don't know me, and of being told by those who do 'but of course we don't mean you' - except that yes, actually you do...you can't single me out, I'm the same as those you condemn, and the problem is your condemnation of the whole group, not of me as an individual. Apathy comes when I just want to shut it all out. I will read, watch telly, surf 'harmless' websites (i.e. not those which force me to face reality) and generally don't want to talk to anyone....
I don't like being this angry and I will be speaking with my counsellor about it - I had to miss my last session as A was poorly - but it seems to be my default position at the moment. I recognise my short fuse - it's partly why I've not blogged for so long, and I know that I need to keep control because I'm close to losing it....but holding it in just made me feel worse, and so here it is - all vented out and yes, I do feel a bit better....because now I've said it and I'm not just letting it fester inside me, worrying over it, and feeling like the lowest of the low. It may not change anything but maybe it will make people think. Feel free to share this, let's put some flesh on the bones (haha) of the stereotypical person on benefits.... I know that so many of you do care, and aren't judging me, and for that I am so grateful - you guys are part of why I'm able to keep going.....this vent isn't aimed at anyone in particular, it's just a vent, prompted by what I've seen and read recently. I'm not perfect, I don't pretend to be...but it's seemingly very easy right now for people to see what they want to see, and to judge, and all I'm saying is please look beyond the one dimensional view....you never know when it may be you in need of help... Instead of letting the bad times push us apart as a society, why don't we work together. Clearly we're not all in this together, that's a ridiculous fallacy, but we certainly can be more together, more willing to care, more willing to stand up when things are wrong, instead of accepting the 'justifications' for mistreatment, more willing to accept that we're all human and that some need help now, and more willing to push back against things which are wrong. I know I need to be more like that, less angry and more active about challenging things.... Yes I am angry, but I'd much rather not be.... Things are crap right now, for many of us..... If I can help you, then ask.... in the meantime, thank you for reading this..... you guys rock :)
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