Mixed feelings

I fear that this post will probably end up being a vent of massive (and possibly whinging) proportions...It's just the way I'm feeling right now....Sorry about that... I've been trying really hard to be positive, not to let things get me down, but I'm failing...and then I feel bad for failing, and it all goes in a big, messy, failure-related, tear streaked circle.....Today has been particularly bad...I'm definitely not coping....punishment I think for being so stupidly positive last week... Part of the problem is that I feel as though I have to be positive...that a) I have nothing really to complain about (even when I feel as though, yes really I rather do have justification for a moan), and b) that if I'm not positive, people will get bored of me (well I bore myself) and c) that being positive will influence things so that they do get better (well that worked out well didn't it.. >sarcasm alert<) You may have noticed that I'm just a teeny bit angry as well...I am, but I'm not quite sure why.... Well part of it is that I'm not feeling very well at all, and apart from hating this, I'm also scared....let me tell you why:-

On Monday I went on a research trip to the Army Medical Museum in Mytchett. I went by train to Farnborough, and then cycled from there to the museum. Google maps, that bastion of great information, told me it would be a twenty minute ride...I upped that estimate to 30 minutes....but I had forgotten just how many stupid hills there are in that area....oh, and the rain - did I mention the rain? So, anyway, I arrived at the station and set off for the museum....it wasn't too bad on the journey there....the sun even came out, and ok so there were hills, but I managed...and going down the other side is always fun.... The research itself went well, I got all I needed (thankfully), and it was time to go back to the station....at which point I realised that it was raining...and not lightly either, oh no - we're talking torrential, tropical downpour here....but I didn't have a choice, I had to get to the station and I had to cycle...so off I went....it took me 2 minutes to get out of the barracks and in that time I was already soaked through....to make it worse the hills which had been so much fun going down on the way in, now had to be climbed on the way back (did I mention that they were steeper this way...sigh)....I tried my best, I really did, I didn't want to give up but in the end I had to just walk up some of them...my chest was getting really tight, and I felt sick....now I've had this before when I've pushed myself to cycle up a hill, and it normally goes by the time I've freewheeled down the other side, but this time it didn't... I came to the road which goes up and over the A31 (I think)...by this point I was soaked completely (my coat is shower proof, not downpour proof), and was freezing cold as well...I tried to cycle up as it was a short hill, but it was also steep and about 2 metres in I nearly fell off my bike, struggling to breath...so there I am, walking up the road (drivers glaring at me), pausing every so often to gasp some air in and feeling very scared and alone.... Eventually I made it to the station, and dripped into the shop to spend stupid money on a cup of tea...before sitting, shivering, on the platform for 45 minutes until the train came....even an hour and a quarter on a train, with the heating on, was not long enough to dry out my jeans, but thankfully when I got to Portsmouth the rain had stopped. I cycled home, but this was the scary part - even though I'd been sitting down, resting, for over two hours, after a few minutes of cycling I was wheezing and gasping for breath.... I made it home, showered, and put warm clothes on but my chest was still feeling so tight... That night I didn't sleep well, and was up at 5 am... Most of yesterday was spent resting in bed, and thankfully the tightness in my chest has eased - however I still feel lousy, I have a horrible cough (tastes metallic in my mouth when I cough - ugh), and any exercise, even walking up the stairs is leaving me feeling breathless, dizzy and weak.....I tried to get a docs appointment today but they were on half day closing so I'm going to be ringing them at  8am tomorrow....

To be honest I'm scared....but I'm not having a panic attack...I've had enough of them to know that this isn't the same. I actually woke myself up last night, wheezing....in my sleep.....I'm angry as well...I know I'm not fit, but I've never had this problem before, and right now I'm terrified to cycle again, in case I make it worse. I just hope that the doctor can set my mind at rest because I am this close to just giving up... I'm fed up of being judged by my size: I'm not going to magically become another person just by losing weight...if you don't like me now, then you won't like me slim and if you only like people due to their size then how shallow are you? (not aimed at anyone reading this, just a general vent at society).... I know about the health risks, and yes I would rather be slim and healthy but right now, the effort I'm putting in is not being matched by an outcome and I'm getting very very fed up...as you may have noticed. I've had a few 'treats' recently, not many, and certainly not enough to make a difference (and I've been satisfied with what I've had, and not wanted to pig out or anything - which is good)...but I've judged myself for doing so, and hated myself for doing so - and then hated myself for judging myself...so as you can see, I'm a mess right now.... good job I have counselling tomorrow....

This is the worst I have felt for a LONG time and I really don't want to leave the house tomorrow. Only the fact that I need to see a doctor, and that I would be chucking away a lot of help if I didn't go to counselling, is getting me out of the door...sheer stubbornness...which does kick in but which takes a lot out of me. Here's the deal: I want, in fact I'm craving, some loving attention...I get it over the phone from my parents and in person from A, but actually what I want is to be a child again, and for my mum to look after me....I know that's ridiculous but it's how I feel.... I just want to stop for a while, not have to do anything, have someone else deal with the day to day stuff...but life isn't like that, and so on I (we) all go....

Not helping matters is the fact that ATOS have struck again. I have been opening every single bit of post I get, even the junk mail, because I'm so paranoid about missing another appointment (they apparently sent me a letter for an appointment, which I only found out when they wrote to tell me I'd missed it....)...today I opened a letter from them, thinking it would be an appointment but no, it's another letter telling me I'd missed an appointment....I cried....Bad enough that I have to go to a strange place, to be assessed by someone who doesn't know me, for a company which has been given targets by the government to get people off benefit (whether they're fit to work or not), but for the second time I didn't get the letter telling me when my appointment was. It took several minutes of hunting before I could find their phone number and when I did I was told that I had to return the form, and that would then trigger another appointment - apparently they're only allowed to keep people's folders whilst the appointment is valid, if you miss it, the folder goes back to the benefits centre...so they couldn't just rebook my appointment over the phone....so frustrating. I've set a reminder to ring them in two weeks in the hope that they'll have set up a new appointment and I can find out when it is over the phone.... It's so dispiriting, and this, coupled with the increase in rants/meme's/pictures on Facebook, about how all people on benefits are scroungers, is really getting me down...it's hard knowing you're hated and despised by people who don't even know you just because of your situation..... I've tried to put my view across, and to stand up for other groups when inaccurate information is shared, but people just don't seem to want to know. They've got their view and that's it...I read another blog today which made the very valid point that it could be anyone on benefits - who knows what will happen, a job loss, an accident, which necessitates benefits....but people think they're immune....I don't wish what I'm going through on anyone, even those who are so vile about people like me...but I do wish that there was more sympathy and understanding.... As a country we should care about those who need help, not disparage them and blame things on them, things which are not their fault....the bankers and government must be laughing their heads off - they've successfully diverted the blame from themselves, and have managed to divide people as well....it's heart-breaking..... I already feel like a failure for not working, but if I were working and A went off the rails, well that would be my fault too....I can't win... What's wrong with compassion? What is wrong with helping people? Why do we have to put other people down? Why do we need an 'other' to blame, to say "well I'd never do that, so it's not my fault" - well I get that, it's scary to think that we're not in control all the time, and so yeah, I understand why we have to think it will never happen to us....but it could....and trust me, it's not fun...I'm not living the high life, I can't afford to have the heating on *at all* - even without it on my bills are more than I can afford... I get it, you're working hard, you're struggling too, and then people are on benefits, seemingly living off your money - but I paid into the system as well....should I live on the street because I can't work right now? Should A be on the street because his mum can't work? At what point do we say, I've got mine now screw you? At what point do we stand up and say, enough....things need resolving but demonising a section of society is not the way to deal with it? I don't know. I don't pretend to have all the answers, all I know is that it is extremely painful knowing the way people feel about me.

And of course I have to deal with A, who has been much better (his school parents evening was great, and has given me a smidgeon of hope for the future)....however, as I write this he is angry about something (I don't know what) and my offers of help have been rebuffed with a roar of "go away"....ouch....deep breath and on we go....but oh it's so hard sometimes......

So yeah, things are very very tough at the moment...I'm as close to losing my cool as I've ever been....if I had another adult here to look after A, and to take care of things, then I would probably just give in and weep for a week....but I haven't, so I can't...and so it will be onwards and upwards as much as I can....