Since my last counselling appointment I haven't noticed any particular difference in how I'm feeling, which is a good thing (I think). I'm still waiting to hear from them regarding the specialist therapy, but I have had a letter from my counsellor to confirm that he is referring me. It is very weird to read the 'end of therapy' letters: "we discussed..... and we agreed....." They have a very formal way of reducing 8 sessions of me discussing things I've not told many people into one A4 page letter.
I have managed to get a fair amount of MA work done, and I am finding it a help. I can lose myself in reading (with the help of a magnifying glass), 19th century newspaper reports, and giggling at the pompous way in which people expressed themselves. I think it's safe to say that were a Victorian man to be transported to today, he would be overcome with a fit of the vapours, poor soul. Women voting and driving and being in charge of men - oh the horror..... I'm not sure whether these men really believed that, or whether they were just parroting the accepted views of the era.
Thursday saw me going to a book launch at our local Blackwells.... Four of my tutors had books coming out (some of them had 2, how greedy, lol) and it was so much fun to catch up with them and to see the fruits of their hard work. I remember one of them discussing his book with us when I was in my final year of undergraduate study, and now it's been released....I do feel inspired by them (which would probably make them laugh) because I know how hard it is to write an essay, or a dissertation, let alone a book. It's just a shame that, being academic books, they are so expensive. I took A with me, as he is starting to demonstrate a real love of history - that's my boy. He was very good, and although he didn't stay long, he certainly seemed to enjoy himself and was interested in the books.
Speaking of A, he is now as tall as me. This does not fill me with glee. He isn't even 14 yet, he can't overtake me. But he will... Sigh. He has been much calmer recently, with any outbursts of frustration being limited and he has been able to take a step back and not escalate things. I'm seeing his behaviour now as being far more related to 'normal' teenage issues, rather than his own behavioural problems. Having said that it is clear that those are still lurking beneath the surface, not surprisingly I guess. Interestingly he is far happier when he is 'regulated', particularly at school. By that I mean, he prefers to be on report, something which is usually a punishment. This entails him having a form signed by each teacher, who will add comments about his behaviour during the lesson. I think that seeing the positive remarks boosts him, and it gives him tangible proof to bring home to me (and his dad) regarding his behaviour in school. It hasn't stopped him reacting to provocation, in particular from one boy who is well known for this issue, but it has reduced the number of times that happens, and his smile and relaxed attitude when he comes home from school is lovely to see.
I saw a physiotherapist this week, about my knee. It was interesting. Apparently kneecaps move in a groove, and are held there (in balance) by the inner and outer thigh muscles. In my case the outer muscle is *much* tighter than the inner one, which is weak, and so my kneecap is being pulled to one side, causing pain. I have exercises to do and I'm hopeful that as the muscles strengthen I will be able to start proper exercising and to lose more weight. It is a catch-22 situation, my weight isn't helping, but to push through the pain would be the wrong thing to do, even if it did result in my weight dropping. So I have to be patient. I'm hopeful that if I follow the exercises and continue to build up slowly, in terms of how far I can walk etc., then I will be able to lose weight and my knee will continue to improve.
So, I guess you noticed the title of this entry, and I'd better enlighten you. Today, as I always do when I wake up, I checked my bank balance - to find that my ESA had not gone in. Interestingly my reaction was a kind of numbed acceptance. I'd half expected this to happen after I'd missed a second medical assessment appointment, due to not receiving the letter advising me about it, but I was hoping that they would accept that I'd not deliberately missed it. Sadly they obviously thought that I was lying and was too thick to think up a new reason, so just used the same one as I had before. Sigh. Even though I've rung ATOS and the DWP several times since the last notice of missed appointment came, which I don't think someone who was deliberately ignoring appointments would do. Anyway, when I checked the post (hadn't done so yesterday due to A and I being afflicted with a stomach bug) I found a p45 (yes they send you one of those when they stop benefits), a letter telling me that ESA was taxable but that I hadn't been paid enough to tax, and finally the letter telling me that the ESA was being stopped and why. Now normally my reaction to this would have been to dissolve into impotent anger but today I decided that I was going to appeal straight away. Luckily the forms were available online, and by 9am I'd printed them out, completed them and put them in an envelope ready to go. I'd also vented my anger by posting an inventive (well I thought it was) status on Facebook as follows:
Dear DWP 'decision maker', here is my considered response to your most recent letter:
May the bites of a thousand (I was going to go for a million but I thought I'd show you some kindness, you know that thing you never show me) fleas bite you in places you are unable to scratch, may your broadband be cut off (or at least slowed down so much that you are driven slowly crazy) and may you too, one day, be subject to the decision of faceless bureaucrat who doesn't care that you have a child to feed....in the meantime, I hope your conscience (if indeed you have one, which I doubt) is pricking you sharply every moment of every day.
It made me laugh and it made me feel better and it was certainly better than going to the job-centre and punching someone, which was my second choice. In all seriousness though, it riles me that they can just blithely take money from children, because in effect that's what they've done. I have to feed A, and clothe him, and I can't do that without money. I am abiding by the rules of the benefit system and although I missed the appointments it was not through choice. Given that I'd advised them of the problems I have with my post, and requested that they contact me by phone or email, after the first missed appointment, it seems ridiculous that they can overlook that, and then penalise me for that. I have heard that some claimants who have had similar issues have discovered, at appeal (when you get a full copy of all the documentation related to your case), that the letters were never actually sent in the first place. I am suspicious that this is what has happened in my case, as normally if the post goes to the wrong house, it will be posted through my door shortly afterwards. We will see. I am calm, but angry - if that isn't too much of a contradiction. I'm not ranting and raving or sobbing and screaming, but I am angry and I am scared. I'm also tired, and so fed up. This keeps happening and I can't keep fighting. I know I've put the appeal in but I really don't want to have to fight them again. I will do. But I'm mad that I have to.
The upshot of all this is that I feel like withdrawing from the world a bit. I can cope with A, with my MA and with reading to distract myself, but situations where I'd previously have vented on Facebook and Twitter, I'm now just sighing to myself and moving on. Probably not a bad thing I guess. I'm trying to keep a balance between my on-going desire to block out the world, and the realisation that interaction is healthy and does help me. However my overwhelming exhaustion is making it hard at times, and I'm still fighting to 'live normally' every day. Onwards and upwards.
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