So, I was going to write a post about how things had been going. It was going to be fairly positive. And then today happened. Not just happened to me personally, happened to us all. So I'm going to just write. I need to do that. So many emotions right now and I need to work them out.
First of all, yes, things had been improving. I've managed to do a decent amount of Uni work and am almost ready to start writing the dissertation, all 15,000 words of it. A's behaviour had also improved. He's been kind and well behaved.
And then it went wrong.
First of all A didn't go to school today. I didn't make him. It was what they call "deep learning day" which is a fancy way of saying that they spend the whole day looking at one topic, so for example looking at Africa, but they do it via cookery, history, and other activities. Anyway, they stay in their tutor groups for the whole day. And that is why A didn't go in. There is one boy in his tutor group who torments him, provokes him, and basically hassles him every time he sees him. Normally it is not a problem as they don't have too many lessons together. But today it would have been all day. A has reacted (he shouldn't and he knows he shouldn't) and the school are well aware of this boy and his actions, and they don't always believe him when he tries to get A into trouble....But they've done little about it, other than to deal with each incident on an incident by incident basis. They've refused to remove this other boy from the class, even just for today. So I made a decision that if A didn't want to go in, I wasn't going to force him and have an argument with him about it. If it had been a normal day, an educational day, then I would have made him go in. But it wasn't. I'm sure people may disagree with my choice but I was honest with the school as to why he wasn't in. I've not heard anything from them, so not sure what they thought.
It wasn't too bad a day actually, until about 7pm when I realised that A was late back. He didn't appreciate me going to find him, and being cross with him and it all went wrong from then. For a while I thought we were heading back to the bad bad days; he was very upset, angry and shouting. He ended up storming out after saying some very hurtful things. I admit I did fall apart. I was torn between numbness and tears. Speaking to my mum did help, as did having a good cry. As it turned out, letting A walk out and calm down was the best thing to do. He did calm down. He did come back. And he is ok now. He has apologised, and we have been able to calmly discuss things.
There is another reason why today has been horrible: the killing of that poor young man in London. How his parents and family must be feeling right now, I can't imagine. I can't comprehend the mindset that could do something like this. I am sad and I am angry. I am sickened. It has hit hard. What has made it worse though, has been the way in which some sections of society have reacted. As I write this, the morons of the EDL are gathering in Woolwich, chanting and "protesting", attacking the police and trying to attack anyone who has skin which is slightly darker than their own. They are taking up the valuable time of the police, who really have better things to do right now than deal with a bunch of drug addicted, racists who, as A has just pointed out, "need to grow up and get a life"...out of the mouths of, well he's not a babe or infant, but you get the picture..... I cannot understand how people can hold a whole group responsible for the actions of a minority. I like living in a multicultural society, I like that we tolerate people, and allow them to worship freely. I am well aware that the not all countries are like that, and that some people have left those countries to come here, but I don't see that becoming more like those restrictive countries is a good thing. I am proud of the fact that we are, in general, a tolerant caring society. I am proud of the fact that people can worship who they want, can live their lives as they want (barring illegality of course), and that generally speaking we accept people freely. I don't want that to change. I don't want this murder, and it was an horrific, vile act, to cause us to lose that tolerance, to become what we despise in others.
Recently I have been trying to encourage myself to take steps out into the world again. Part of this has involved becoming more vocal on the internet - the theory being that if I can talk to people, and calmly defend my views, discuss things etc. without falling apart then as I gain confidence I will be more able to transfer this to the 'real world' and will be ready to look for a job again. One of the 'causes' I have become more involved in is that anti-fascist/racist groups on FB. Today this meant that I was confronted by the reality of the EDL/BNP as their members came to the anti groups to try and provoke us and to gloat...yes that's right gloat - they were salivating over the attack, they were happy when it was confirmed that the murderers were Muslim because it meant they could go and fight them, attack them, whatever. It makes me sick, but I am pleased that I was able to articulate my arguments calmly, and without falling apart or losing my temper. I do understand why there is so much anger out there. I just don't think that the actions of a minority represent the totality of a group. It upsets me to see discrimination, whether racial, religious, skin colour, gender, sexual orientation - whatever.... And I do react. I am going to try harder not to, to understand why people say the things they do and not to take things so personally. Small steps but I will get there in the end.
So, today has contained so much emotion. I am now exhausted. Before I sign off though, I just want to ask that everyone keep the family and friends of the man who was killed today in your thoughts... He is important. He should be remembered. Rest peacefully young man
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