Anyway, I thought I'd better write a post, although anyone expecting anything profound, prophetic or *frantically tries to think of another suitable word beginning with 'p', gives up, googles it, ooh propitious that's a good one*, propitious is in for disappointment...it's more likely to be a bit pathetic... ohhh get me.......
So, this week hasn't been too bad actually. I've managed to almost complete my MA dissertation research, which is a relief - only the 15,000 words to write now... *gulp*. I've also managed to keep on top of the housework (but not the laundry - you can't have everything though), and I've spent some great quality time with A, including a ride on a posh bus...but more of that later....Tomorrow A and I head off to see my parents for the weekend. We can't wait. Looking forward to seeing my Nanna, and my Aunt L and Uncle J as well...especially as J is an awesome cook - looking forward to eating what he prepares.... As A's school is closed for an Inset Day on Monday, we can have a long weekend, and P is kindly coming over to look after the cats (which they will love)....
A spent the weekend with his Dad, and seems to have had a great time....their local pub had its annual beer/music festival and A very much enjoyed being part of that ... He eventually decided to come back to mine on Monday night. Tuesday was designated as 'mum and A day' and A was allowed to choose what we did. He decided that I would take him out for lunch, and that we would get tickets which allowed us to ride the buses all day. As you may remember, A loves riding the buses, and he wanted to share it with me...which was sweet. The weather was appalling, but it didn't matter too much as we were under cover most of the time. I won't bore you with all the details, but we went up to Fareham and had the most delicious ham, egg and chips at a pub before riding the 'posh' bus to Gosport and back again. It really was posh - wooden floors and leather seats - I was wondering where the champagne was, lol.
It may not sound like much, but it was a brilliant day. Just to be chilling out, and able to focus properly on A was great - we are often both so busy and caught up in our own lives, that it's easy to not talk properly for a day or so. He is very much into going out with his friends, and I am busy with my dissertation. So to spend the day, just the two of us, was great. We've decided that during the summer holidays we will try to set aside one day a week to do something similar - hopefully the weather will be good enough for us to go to the beach, and to Porchester Castle...
Today has been spent doing housework - one of the local cats seems to have taken a shine to one of mine (probably Molly cat) and has been hanging around, and even coming in the house. Not surprisingly my cats don't like this, and they have (sadly) responded by marking their territory ... ugh... so it took a bit of cleaning...which was nice. I should have been to physio today but I slept through my alarm...ooops..... fortunately they saw the funny side of it, and I've managed to re-arrange it for a couple of weeks time... I'm now tucked up in bed, feeling very tired and hoping for a decent night's sleep....
My dreams have been very unsettling over the last few nights, and although I have slept, I have also woken up frequently, and have been left with residual feelings of anxiety. Today my anxiety has been really bad - not sure whether this is a) due to pushing myself yesterday, b) my dreams, or c) ???? Yesterday was great, but there were a couple of times when my anxiety flared - e.g. when the bus couldn't get past a minor traffic accident, and A and I had to walk (in an area neither of us knew) to find another bus stop so that we could get to our destination... I coped but I did feel incredibly anxious. Then last night I had a dream that one of my friends had taken me in when I was homeless, before throwing me out...so totally unrealistic, because that person is just incredibly nice and would never do that, but as with all stupid dreams, it leaves its mark. On top of that I seem to have some really strong startle reflexes at the moment. Earlier on today my mobile went off and startled me - not so bad you might think, but my physiological reaction was insane - I felt as though I was in shock - shaky, nauseous, weak, shivery....I'm still feeling like that now, and this was hours ago... It's ridiculous, but it's becoming more common. I'm not in shock, or at least I shouldn't be...it was just my phone going off, but inside my body it's as if I am... The list of things I have to mention to the doctor is growing longer....
It occurs to me that I should assess where I am, one year on.... now really I should go back to that first post and see what I hoped to achieve, but as I mentioned earlier, I'm feeling lazy, so I'll just assess what I remember:
* Weight - not lost much but am still eating healthily and although I have eaten chocolate on several occasions, I am out of the habit of buying it when I go shopping, and I no longer feel the need to eat it all the time. I am also able to overcome the urge to pig out when I feel stressed.
* Exercise - problematic at the moment due to my knee and the fact that the physio exercises are causing a new pain when I do them... I did the Race for Life last year, and will do the 2013 one as well. I wasn't able to do the Great Manchester Run, but I am hoping that next year will be the year I get to do it.
* Life in general - A has made huge strides, and although he still has outbursts he is nowhere near as bad as he was last year. His behaviour is more 'normal teenager' now. I am still very anxious, and depressed, and I don't feel as though I am coping any better than I was. However I am still trying, and will continue to do so. I have had so much love and support from my family and friends, and I am more grateful to you all than I can ever put into words.
So, that's me right now....about to go and sleep and hopefully dream nice dreams..... Thanks for reading and for your support over the last year... please keep reading/supporting... thank you :)
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