WOOHOOOOOOO - it's FRIDAY and it's the SCHOOL HOLIDAYS!!!!!...............

Yeah, sorry about the shouting, I got a bit excited there... but yay for SIX WHOLE WEEKS OF LIE-INS...oh sorry, shouting again....lol...as you can tell I'm a bit chuffed about the whole holiday thing.. I hate getting up at 7 to fight with A and get him into school...I dread it and frankly I'm so pleased that I don't have that flash point for the next few weeks.... He didn't go in today, but then he really isn't well.. I think that it's actually hayfever which is just playing havoc with his asthma and making him cough all night, which then means he's exhausted and it's just a vicious cycle. Hopefully the next few weeks will allow him to heal and rest and then it will be a new start in September - well that's the plan anyway....

This morning I went over to J's to baby-sit her son N who is the most adorable whirlwind of toddler-dom ever,....needless to say he was pleased that A came with me, and kept running in to say "A's mum, A's mum, I LOVE A...." haha....bless him... A, being a typical teenager, was a tad embarrassed but he did like it - the being pinned down so N could give him a kiss wasn't so popular...never been so amused to see my 12 year old being firmly told to "stop pushing and let me give you a kiss".....tee hee.... I did take some pics but I won't put them up now because I forgot to ask J if I could.... once N realised that I was taking pics of him he was a) fascinated by how he was "in the camera", and then b) posing like a pro and showing off.... love him, he's so funny.... A was very tired, and N is noisy so he did have a headache - although he did make a miraculous recovery when E, J's 12 year old daughter, came home from school. I'm saying nothing but he did choose to stay there rather than come home with me..... lol....

I came back, and promptly fell asleep on the sofa for several hours, I'm just so tired and achy at the moment. Very frustrating because there's nothing specific wrong, it's just a generalised poorly feeling. Anyway, I did feel better when I woke up, and once I had some tea I managed to finish the PhD proposal.. YAY.. so pleased... Now I know I should ask people to proof read it, and I really value their opinion but I'm so tired and so fed up of working on it that part of me just wants to send it in and forget about it...but I won't. I'll ask for people's opinions because if I screw it up again, I'll kick myself forever... It's just so hard when you've worked on something and then you get told that parts are wrong, or don't make sense.. It's fair comment and I appreciate it but I do sigh at having to re-work it again... Such a lazy moo at this stage of work, I really am...  I think I'll leave it for tonight, re read it tomorrow and then send it out for comment...

I've been having a FB chat with a new friend about our cats today. She put up a pic of her cat, well one of them, who is just gorgeous.... We were discussing how our cats help us through the various crap that life throws at us. It got me thinking (dangerous I know, but it has to be done sometimes) that maybe people don't realise just how much help my cats are. I know that not everyone likes cats, and that's fair enough, but for me they've really been a lifesaver. Years ago, when I was first officially told that I had severe depression (and had been signed off work) I remember coming back home and sitting on the sofa sobbing my heart out. I felt like such a failure. Then Jess cat (who really wasn't a lap cat at all) climbed up, sat next to me, and eventually in my lap and just purred away...every so often she'd look at me and lick my hand but mainly she just sat there and let me stroke her. It was just what I needed. It helped me to calm down, and to feel better inside me. It gave me hope that I wouldn't always feel that bad, and I've never forgotten it. Jess died a few years ago, and I was holding her when she went, I was so glad that she knew she was loved and even though I miss her still, I'm glad she was there for me when I needed her. The same goes for my other cats, the pain of losing them is massive (I still can't talk about Pilchie without crying) but the love and care they show to me is amazing. Even Billy cat, who again hasn't been a lap cat at all, will often come and sit with me when I'm feeling bad... The fact that they can clearly tell when I'm down is amazing, and that they will sit with me and let me fuss them and talk to them is so so helpful. They are worth so much to me, so much more than just pets or the cost of their food, they keep me sane...whether it's sitting with me, play-fighting or just being bonkers, they can generally make me smile and pull me at least partially out of my slumps. Molly cat is particularly close to A, and will spend the night curled up on his bed. Again this is hugely comforting to A, and reassures him so much when he can be feeling bad from the bullying. All I can say is that my cats have helped me. I have amazing friends, and wonderful family, but it's not fair to expect them to be there all the time and in the middle of the night...so when I have a panic attack at night (which happens more often than I care to admit), Purdy cat is there, meowing and head-butting me for fussing, letting me stroke her, calming me down and eventually letting me fall back to sleep. When I feel so low that nothing else can reach me, Billy cat will come and sit on me and meow until I fuss him, then purr and purr until I gradually start to feel better... In their own ways, they've helped save me because they're always here. I credit my lack of 'suicidal ideation' (as they call it these day, I hate that phrase) to the immense support of my family and friends, but also to having had the cats there at times when I was alone.... Mind you, I do wish that they wouldn't keep bringing me presents, well not the dead and regurgitated kind anyway...money would be acceptable...wonder if I can train them????

Ok, this has been a long post but it's been on my mind for a while. I'm so grateful to everyone who has supported me through this, and continues to do so. Even a little remark or a smile makes all the difference. I've made some amazing friends online, and again they've helped because they've shared, and commiserated and just plain made me laugh.... I'm so glad I started this blog, it's really helped me to sort out all the thoughts which chase around in my head all day, and sometimes all night....thought which I can't say face to face, not because people don't care or aren't sympathetic because they are, but because I just can't find the words sometimes, and it's so much easier to write it down.... You guys rock and I really do appreciate you all.....

Nighty night - I'm off to re-read my proposal, yes I know I said I'd leave it till tomorrow but now I'm in a writing mode so I'll make the most of it... :)