One small step and all that.................

So, today was a marginal improvement over yesterday - and lets face it, I'm not complaining given how crap the last few days have been.... I still feel very low, and I took myself back to bed for a few hours in the middle of the day and had a nice sleep... It was nice to just give up for a bit.... Having said that I did then manage to get the new (old) printer working, print some stuff off for tomorrow and write up some more notes....before collapsing on the sofa in front of the telly again.... 

It doesn't feel as though I'm doing anything massive, but I do feel that the black cloud has lifted slightly. I know that being on my own has helped, I've not had to deal with A's behaviour and when I've seen him, he's been lovely to me...which has also helped. I do feel bad that I've been avoiding answering the phone but when I think about making conversation, even with the closest of friends I just panic. Ridiculous and all that but there you go. I'm going to see the legend that is JT tomorrow and to be honest even that is making me nervous. Those of you who know JT know how stupid this is, he's lovely and there's nothing to be scared about...it's just my stupid brain making me worry....it just goes blank and then I have all these thoughts about what stupid things I could say...chances are I won't say any of them but my brain doesn't care.... All I can do is just make myself go, because he's going to help me decipher the 19th century handwriting on the documents I need for my dissertation, and I need to be able to do that. Plus, cycling in to Uni will be good exercise (not to mention I can finally pick up the letter for the DWP re my course).

So, yes I will be going...and then I plan on writing the complaint letter re my JSA in the afternoon. I'm aware that I'm slipping back in terms of what I'm getting done re the dissertation, and I'm contemplating what, if anything, to say to my supervisor. Right now, I think I'll wait until I've spoken to the doctor next week and then see what he says. The thing is that once I'm doing my MA work, I'm ok. It's solitary work and I can get into it, it takes me away from all the other worries. What is impacting me at the moment is the sheer exhaustion (due to sleeping badly at night), and the lethargy of depression. Whereas I'm normally very good in kicking myself into working, the last few days I've just not been able to do that. I'm trying not to panic about it, I don't need anything more making me panicky and anxious, but I also know that I'm sticking my head in the sand a bit.

The honest truth is that much as I want this to be over, I know it's going to take time. Right now my home is still my safe place although I am looking forward to seeing C on Friday. She's like a sister to me, and I know that being with her will be good for me. I've stayed with her so many times that her place is as good as mine..so at the moment I'm planning on staying over, but not going to the party - that's still a step too far I think. The thought of having to make conversation with people I don't know makes me cringe inside...normally I'd be totally ok with it..not now tho....this depression malarky has a lot to answer for...

Diet wise, things are still going well. I'm still not craving chocolate and I'm sticking to the plan. Exercise is more problematic at the moment. Obviously I'm riding my bike when I need to but I've still not managed to kick my backside into starting the exercise routine. Lethargy is winning out at the moment. However my walking is getting better - in the I have more days when it's not so painful to walk, than days when it hurts to do so. I'm also walking faster than I was, and feeling more comfortable when I do so. I need to remember that these are achievements, and to give myself credit...something I'm not so good at doing because all I can think of now is that I've not done as much exercise as I should do......

It's time for me to stop rambling...thank you for reading, again