Monday lives up to its reputation....well somewhat.......

Hello Monday, how nice to see you.....or maybe not....Because today is the day I have to sign on, oh and I have the pleasure of attending one of those lovely 'help you back to work' company sessions....but at least I had the joy of researching in the local history centre.....

Signing on wasn't as bad as I'd feared...yes I felt rather nervous and sick before going in but there was no sign of the blond bitchy one, and I was in and out really quickly....I also picked up a form to appeal the decision about losing my JSA, so that will be fun to fill out. I was hugely amused by the letter Gina (at the Uni) had written to the DWP....she expressed herself, um, forcefully and I get the feeling that there's more than a little frustration at the DWP's attitude... Ah well, we shall see what happens..... I shall put in a complaint about blondie's attitude and then I shall complete the appeal and then I shall be a good girl and try to be relaxed about the outcome of both. 

Anyway, having braved the job-centre I proceeded to the library and the local history centre for research...I was really pleased to see the legendary JT sitting at a table there....and then the lovely J arrived, so all was good... I found some fabulous information for my dissertation, and there's more where it came from... To top it all off, JT took J and I for lunch which was just lovely....he's a real legend (I may have mentioned that already, lol) and a properly nice man.... So I was feeling pretty ok, like the black cloud has passed.... talk about speaking too soon.....

At 2pm I had to present myself at a company called (well I thought it was called) Maximus, who were going to magically get me a job..sorry about that, my sarcasm button must be on....anyway, to say I wasn't looking forward to it would be to express an understatement the size of my rear end.... Basically this is one of those government schemes which allows them to pretend to be doing something about unemployment, but which is in reality just another way to duplicate work already being done whilst lining other people's pockets.... However, I have to go - if I don't then even if I win my appeal, I won't get any JSA and whatever my feelings about the usefulness of this place, I owe it to A to make it work. So I took a deep breath and went in......................

And promptly wanted to walk back out again... this place is AWFUL... it stank, it was filthy and there was a very unhappy, disheveled, druggie lookalike, man shouting at the receptionist about needing money.... The hairs on the back of my neck were standing up, and not for a good reason - I've felt safer walking through Portsmouth in the dark than I did in this place... I could feel myself really starting to panic but I made myself sign in and wait to be seen... It then transpired that I was expected to spend two hours in this place, well I just couldn't...the fear was already manifesting itself in a bad temper (am so not proud of that) and I felt sick...so I told them I had to leave at 3 to be available for A. Luckily they agreed but by this point I was feeling and behaving like a stroppy teenager - again, NOT proud of this at all... However scared I was, whatever level my panic was at I really should have behaved better... Honestly, part of it was sheer frustration at being there and at having to listen to the crap coming out of the mouth of the bloke talking to us. They took us into a room for an 'induction seminar', and promptly told us how wonderful they were, how they were so great at getting people jobs and that people (with the right attitude) always got jobs with them....in the mood I was in this, perhaps unfairly, put my back up. It's very hard to be told that the reason you haven't been successful in your job hunt is because you're useless but don't worry the marvelous people at Maximus (or Careers Development Group as I now discovered they are called) will swoop in and sort it all out....there was no acknowledgement that the job market is tough right now....it was all about how rubbish we'd been and how they would solve this... It was patronising and pointless.... I sat there and listened and it took all my energy not to run out of there and to concentrate on keeping calm.... I will admit that I probably do need some help and advice about getting a job but if I had the choice I wouldn't go to them. 

And that's the heart of the problem. As I was telling my mum earlier - I know I need a job, and analytically I think I can do it...I certainly don't have a problem applying for jobs, although I do get very nervous about interviews - I just tell myself that that is normal. However, when I think about the reality of having a job, I panic. The problems with A are such that I can't see them being resolved quickly and I know that missing work because of them would not be acceptable...so I'm stuck, I apply for jobs, I even want (certain) jobs but I'm terrified of what will happen when I get one. I really want to be a lecturer, that doesn't scare me at all....even teaching (once I get my MA I think I should be able to go onto the substitute teacher register, and can teach on a max 1 year contract as an unqualified teacher) doesn't freak me out....but anything that involves potential contact with the public (call centre/shop) makes me shake.... I'm happiest when I'm researching, genuinely lost in my work and able to let all my worries and fears drift away....but I know I need to work, and so the next step is to speak to the doctor, get some advice and see if I can tailor my search in way which allows me to find a job I can do, and do well.. I know that lots of people don't like their jobs, and I'm willing to try something even if I'm scared...but what I don't want is to be signed off sick again...I've come so far, and despite this set back I'm still determined to move forward....

So, I see the doctor on Friday, and A is awaiting his referral to Camhs.... I've rearranged the second part of today's induction for the 2nd August in the hope that by then things will be clearer and I'll be calmer and more able to cope next time I go in.... If not, then I shall ask a friend to come with me, because I'll do anything to provide for A, and I'm not prepared to fail - just because I think the work scheme is a pointless pain in the behind, doesn't mean I can, or will, give up.... 

Anyway, tomorrow J and I are off to the Women's Library in London to do some research for my dissertation...so I'm looking forward to that, especially as I won't be on my own.... Early night for me tonight though so I'll sign off now.....