Enough already........

First of all I just want to thank my friends who have messaged me after my blog yesterday. Thank you seems a bit inadequate but, certainly via text, there's not enough space to write a more detailed reply. Then there's the fact that half the time I don't know what to say - here being one of the few places where I can express myself - and then you lucky lot get to read it.... Secondly, I want to emphasise that I'm not suicidal, am very lucky in that respect - and it is luck as to whether that particular desire afflicts someone - because so far my love for A, my family and my friends means that no matter how bad I feel the most I want to do is to hide away and be incommunicado. Fingers crossed that doesn't change. I can understand why people feel so despairing though. The pain of depression can be physical, and when you feel that there's no hope then you just want everything to stop. So far I seem to have some semblance of hope or whatever you want to call it, that things will be better, and so I'm not tempted to end it...long may that continue... I've also witnessed the utter devastation which suicide brings/leaves and for whatever reason I just can't do that to people I love....I say that with caution, and with no intention of implying that those who do take that route, don't care about family/friends...I know they do, and I have no doubt that at that moment they just could not see another solution...heartbreaking.....I'm going to stop there before I dig myself a bigger hole and have people shouting at me.

I'm also very conscious that really, there's no reason for me to feel as I do... I know people who've been through so much worse than I have...and they keep going...so how dare I be feeling like this (they don't say that, I do)... But depression isn't logical.... At the moment I'm going through a phase of reading other people's stories of their depression. 6 months ago I'd have run a mile from reading those books, fearful that I'd be confronted with something which was just too close to the truth to deal with. Now, I'm finding it helpful to a) recognise myself in them and b) read what they're doing/have done to help. I read Sally Brampton's Shoot the damn dog today. I actually found myself writing out quotes from the book which I found helpful. A very history student thing to do. Is that a good thing? I'd like to think so, it's pro-active in a way. 

I also talked to my mum, which always helps. She read yesterday's blog entry and I found that I didn't mind. I like that I don't know who's reading it, but knowing that she read it meant that there were things I didn't have to say. I'm pretty sure that this latest episode has been triggered by the events of last week with A, along with the fact that my pmt is kicking in. Knowing it logically is one thing, and it does help a bit, but it's no use in terms of making it stop. Today has been in many ways a better day. Whilst I've felt down, even physical pain (the lump in the throat and tension in my chest), and have spent much of the day on the sofa, I did manage to achieve some things; I went to the dentist (I hate hate hate going to the dentist) and I managed to type up my notes from yesterday. My visit to the archives tomorrow has been cancelled, so I'm planning on typing up more notes and going from there. 

On a plus note, through all of this I've not had cravings for chocolate, or even just to 'medicate' myself with overeating. This is a big thing for me (pun intended), previously I've always dealt with depression by eating, normally chocolate. There's a part of me which is wondering whether the fact that certain symptoms (physical problems, heavy headed, fuzzy mind, and lack of energy) are worse this time is maybe because I'm not having the artificial 'lift' of chocolate. If that's so (and I'm going to ask the doctor when I see him) then the masochistic part of me is stupidly pleased. Yes I know...I'm weird. What can I say... At least I can't beat myself up for falling off the diet, and even if I don't feel as though I look better/thinner, people tell me I am/I do so I guess I'd better believe them. The Race for Life is only a few weeks away, and I'm focused on that. I  know that doing it will be a good thing, not just for the money I raise (hopefully lots, you lovely people) but because I'll have done it..simple as that. Because J is doing it with me, I know that I'll be ok. She has been an amazing support, just one of many of my friends who have stepped up and been there. 

I'm glad that people are reading this. It really means a lot to me. I couldn't say this stuff face to face, well maybe to a couple of people, and this blog is helping. I'm sorry that it's so blah and moany but I really need to write this all down, to get it off my chest, to get the words and thoughts out of my head because if they stay in there, then it's not so good. 

I need you all to know that I'm not afraid to talk about it. If you want to ask me anything, then please just do so. If I can't answer it, for whatever reason, then I'll say but I'll not be mad or upset that you asked. One of the major issues with depression is the stigma which surrounds it. That makes me angry. It's bad enough that I (and so many others) feel this way, but to then have to be ashamed of it is disgusting. I'd rather answer a question than have a misunderstanding, or have people not be able to look me in the eye... I have depression, with attendant anxiety disorder. It's not catching, and I'm not going to off-load on you (unless you offer to listen), but the more we all talk about this, the less it's stigmatised. 

Thank you for reading, I'm off to fuss my kitties - they're protesting that I'm daring to ignore them