Ok winter, enough already.....

It's cold....really really cold.....well it is in my house anyway, mainly because I can't afford to have the heating on....so I'm spending most days wearing 3 pairs of socks, fleecy slippers, thick trousers, hoodie and snuggling under two blankets and as many cats as I can persuade to sit on me.....I've even become more enthusiastic about housework - well at least it warms me up.... It's very frustrating to have to make decisions about whether to turn the heating up, or accept that it will push my bills over the point of affordability....when A is here there is no question, and the heating goes on...so I have two weeks of relative warmth and two of freezing my appendages off.... Mind you, it really makes me think about those who are homeless and on the streets...I just cannot comprehend what it must be like for them, I'm in a house, with thick walls, which clearly keeps the worst of the cold out - and I have warm clothing and blankets/duvets.... For all the issues with paying the bills, I have to keep reminding myself that really I'm ok...

Things have been a lot better this week...I hesitate to say that I've turned a corner because a) it's too soon for that and b) I don't want to jinx it. However, I can definitely say that I've been a lot more positive this week, and have managed to get back to Uni work which is such a huge relief to me. I was so concerned that I'd lost that, something which is really important to me, and that I'd be a failure. Ok, I haven't written anything but I've wanted to do the more boring parts of the dissertation - that is printing out the hundreds of documents I need to review...It may not sound like much but trust me, this is big progress. For me, the MA is almost a yardstick for my personal state. It's something which is solely mine, and it is important. I've come to realise that how I'm doing on the MA reflects how I feel generally. For me not to complete it would be devastating, and I know that sounds ridiculous, but somehow it's become linked to my own well-being and self belief...so if I fail at that, I feel scared that I'll have nothing left to be proud of. Again, I know that's ridiculous but feelings aren't always logical. I think it's because I've tried very hard to keep the MA 'separate' from the rest of my life, something which is mine...So when the rest of my life starts to affect my ability to do the MA, I feel twice as bad, a) for caring about it and b) for not being able to work at it. So yeah, it's been pretty messed up and the fact that I've been able to get back to working on it has been an enormous relief.

A has been ok recently, more a typical teenager than the previous out of control behaviour...although he is in a 'spoiling for a  fight' mood at the moment, and isn't responding to my attempts to talk to him...I'm not responding, not giving him the 'nudge' into fighting but inside my stomach is churning and I can feel the panic building. He's calm at the moment, and I'm hoping that by letting him sit quietly whilst I write this (he can't see my screen), he will relax a bit and will be happy to go to bed when I do. We'll see. He's been at his dad's this weekend, meeting P's new girlfriend...P posted some videos of A and K dancing, which really made me giggle. It was kinda weird seeing A interacting with her (she seems nice from what little I could see), and I'll be honest and admit to a twinge of something when I saw that - but really, I'm pleased that he's ok with it (at least he says he is and seems to be)...and I'm pleased that he can be nice, and accepting as well... He's my son, and P's, and he always will be. I know that, and whenever the small spikes of worry regarding potential step-mothers strike, I am fairly good at reminding myself of that... Small mercies and all that....

My mum came down today....I have to go to the local magistrates court tomorrow to deal with the summons from the local council for my council tax...There's no way I could cope with that on my own so, thankfully, my lovely mum has upped and left my dad to listen to jazz on his own, and come to support me... I'm so grateful. I wish my dad could have come as well but he has to work so he gets to stay at home. It's great to see mum, and she is good at calming A down, taking the sting out of his grumpiness and allowing me to take a minute to calm down before exploding....

Something which has been on my mind a lot recently is how so many of us think we're alone, that we're the only ones who are thinking a thought, or feeling a certain way...but we're not.... In talking with friends online, I've realised that actually we're more than likely thinking the same things, and feeling the same way...and kicking ourselves for doing so. It sounds awful to say, but the relief of seeing someone else feeling the same way as I do is immense. I don't want people to go through what I'm going through, but at the same time to know I'm not the only one is comforting in some way. There are so many pressures on us, men and women, to be a certain way, to think certain things...we're told that 'real' men/women feel that way etc., except I bet they don't.... Mothers are especially vulnerable to this kind of mindset - we have all these 'perfect' mums who do everything brilliantly and never ever want to just run away and hide...yeah right.... Being a parent is tough, and whilst there are those to whom it comes naturally and who have no trouble with their kids, the reality is that we all go through bad times, and we all struggle.... I just wish that instead of pretending and feeding into the 'fake-perfect' we could let our guard down and be honest..... Since I've been talking to these friends, I've felt a lot better....yes, the counselling is helping, and yes I'm helping myself by taking little steps everyday, but the ability to admit that sometimes I want to just hide away, that I feel I can't cope, has helped enormously... Hearing others, those who I look up to and admire for their confidence etc. also admitting those things is helpful too....not because I want them to feel that way, but because knowing we're not alone can be such a boost...

I know that I vent on here, but I don't really think about people reading it, I mean I know they do, but it doesn't cross my mind in any conscious sense - I just vent....but talking online is different - it's a real time conversation and not being judged in that context is brilliant - again, no one I've talked to about this (amongst my friends) has judged me - but my stupid brain gets round that by telling me that they're just being nice...I know I know... stupid right? I can't explain it, and I'm not trying to say that my IRL friends aren't great because they so are.....I wouldn't manage without them....but sometimes thoughts can be stupid, and we have to trick ourselves into realising the reality, because we're too down on ourselves to do it any other way. I'm quite tired now, and I'm wondering how much sense I'm making...so I'll shut up in a bit...but before I do, I just want to say a big thank you to everyone, IRL and on FB, who has been there for me....sometimes without knowing it, you've helped me so much.... I'm truly grateful for all my friends....