I really meant to post before now, but somehow things just got in the way....so this is going to be a bit of a catch up post.... Once again, it's been a week full of ups and downs, and lots of emotional upheaval.... oh what I'd give for a quiet, simple life...ah well....
On Monday I discovered that A had, during the last week, appropriated my bank card from my purse, and put the details into his Google account - and had then purchased several different games and songs... Angry, frustrated, upset and sick - yes, that about sums up how I felt.... Several phone calls later, I'd had to cancel my bank card, and the vets appointment for Purdy and was feeling washed out. At least, when I asked him about it later, he admitted it straight away......it meant a lot to me that he did, because if he'd denied it then I'd have been faced with a long discussion (argument?) and it would have made things so much worse. In the end it turns out that he had spent over £30 which doesn't sound much but is a healthy chunk of the money we have to live on. As he has no way to pay it back, he will be doing jobs around the house until he has 'paid' back the money. So that was a great start to the week.
Wednesday saw me meeting with one of the aide's to my local MP, in order to discuss the whole DWP situation....I went in with some hope that they would be able to help me out but was quickly disabused of that idea.....essentially she didn't think there was much they could do. The DWP has spoken and that is it...but that makes no sense to me - I know that they've amended rules before and that different cases have led to new clauses being inserted into the rules etc., so surely there must be a way to challenge this. I'm going to speak to the CAB about it as well, but I'm feeling rather defeated to be honest. I know that there needs to be a certain amount of persistence to get anywhere with bureaucracies but it is just exhausting to think of how much I'll need to fight...and with no guarantee of success...
Thursday turned out to be a better day. I had my counselling session, and having gone in there feeling really tense and stressed out it was such a relief to let it out. Even on here there are things I can't discuss, things which are not just my business, which affect others, and sometimes I need to discuss those things.... It is interesting to realise just how far back the roots of this depression and anxiety go...I was telling him how I often have this feeling of being on the outside looking in, being left out, not one of the gang, and he asked me how long I'd felt that and without having to think, I replied that it was from when I was young - I remembered that when I was 4 I was on a visit from my nursery school to the infant school I was going to join, each of us were assigned to a child already at the school and the girl I was with told me that she wished I hadn't been put with her, that I was a drag, and that she'd have had more fun with someone else....I can still remember how horrible that made me feel and, given that it's not something I dwell on, it is interesting that it was the first thing I mentioned when he asked me. That feeling of always being left out, of being one step behind everyone else, not being one of the gang, is a recurring one. That's not to say that I always feel it, but it's there, lingering and I have to be very careful that I don't give into it...because that way total insanity lies. I know the world doesn't revolve around me, and I have to be able to accept not being liked by everyone without it totally wiping out my self esteem. I hate thinking that people don't like me, or that I've upset people...it makes me feel cold and sick, but I know that it's part of life and I have to deal with it. I'm hoping that the counselling will help me to do this.
I don't really have too much to say right now....normally the blog writing helps me but for some reason today it's not. I'm very tired, and have a lot of emotions going through me..... This is despite the fact that I had a lovely meal out with my aunt and uncle, and A, today followed by receiving some great news about a friend whose baby was born today..... these things have helped me, but I'm still a bit unsettled.... Hopefully I will be able to get a decent amount of sleep over the next week, and that will help... in the meantime, I'm going to try to relax and stop focusing on things so much.....
No comments:
Post a Comment