So here I am again....feeling ready to update you all on how things are..... As the title says, this week has been a long week, but I actually feel as though I've come through it ok, in that I don't feel as bad as I have at other times...and any progress is good....
Monday wasn't so good.... I'd stayed up very late to watch the Super Bowl, but had also given in to A's pleas to be allowed to stay at mine (I'd planned to ask P to have him for that night)...As a result on Monday morning I was totally exhausted and not able to cope with his refusal to go to school. I called his bluff, and it failed. I told him that if he didn't go in, I would email the school and make sure that they knew he was having an unauthorised absence. He didn't care, and he didn't go in. So I emailed. I also took his laptop privileges away from him - it may not sound like much of a punishment, but trust me he hates losing his precious time on the laptop. When he went back to school, they simply reprimanded him (well that's what he told me), which I was slightly disappointed about, but he knows that if he does it again, he will be in serious trouble. He went in ok for the rest of the week. In fact, his behaviour has been, for the most part, good this week. He's had a few moments of stroppiness and rudeness, but I'm beginning to realise that I'm so sensitised to his actions that even 'normal' teenage behaviour is freaking me out. Now I know this, I am finding that I can at least calm myself down, even if he is still stomping about.
I've also been advised that much of his behaviour, in terms of his sudden switches between independence and shadowing me, is age appropriate and normal. Sarah, the MABS worker, explained to me how teenage brains and toddler brains are very similar, in the way in which they are streamlining the neural pathways they need; thus a teenager can exhibit similar behaviour to a toddler - that is, checking that mum is still there, having some reassurance and then being happy to go and 'play' on their own. It seems weird to me, but it also makes sense....and it helps me to relax, because when he does get 'clingy', I do worry that there is something really wrong. It's been a great help having Sarah in our lives. She comes to see us every Friday and we just talk, about anything and everything....it's not counselling, more offloading, and she is very practical and straightforward - another person who is able to take some of the burden from me, and help me to cope. She never makes me feel like a failure, and I know that she is on 'our' side, here to help both of us. A loves to talk to her too, although he also gets to see her colleague Bernard, who has been a total star as far as A is concerned. I know that they are, together, helping us more than we really realise.
I also had my counselling appointment yesterday, and I actually came out of it feeling good. I don't know whether I noticed this because he had asked me to see if I could think of a positive words to describe how I felt at the end, but although it was still exhausting, I did feel more light, and clear at the end. He is very good at getting at the underlying issues - I will say that a certain thing makes me feel scared, or panicked, or sad...and he will question (gently) why....and that helps me - I like to know the why. An unidentifiable fear is harder to deal with than one you can specify and challenge. So when I say that I panic at, for example, being approached by charity collectors on the street, through his questioning I've realised that it's because a) I've had a bad experience before, so I expect it again and b) I'm actually resenting them for approaching me, when I just want to be left alone - and the resentment is because I know I'm going to say no to their request (charity or not, I don't give bank details to strangers), and I fear being judged.... yeah, totally mad I know but these are the thought processes of an anxious person....
That theme of bad experiences making me fearful now is something which is impacting me every day, although until he put it like that, I hadn't realised. It's really impacting on my MA work as well.. Which is scaring me, and upsetting me as well. The fact is that, until last June, my Uni life had gone pretty smoothly - yes there had been panics and problems, but nothing more than 'normal'... I had gained good grades, and had done as expected. Then, in the space of a few months, it all came crashing down...I went from smooth sailing, to not doing anything. I hadn't realised just how much this had freaked me out, and damaged my confidence. Now, I want to do my MA work, but it's an effort and that has scared me (it had never been an effort before) and I've begun to freak out about it, which just makes it worse. I'm scared to admit that there's a problem because I fear it will impact me in the future - it's really hard as it is to a) get onto the PhD, and b) get into academic work and I'm so scared that all this is going to mean that I get turned down....and that fear is almost paralysing me....it's a vicious circle. However, now I know what's going on, I'm hopeful that I can overcome the fear and get back on track.
I have had several severe panic attacks this week, however, which have left me drained and shaky. On Tuesday I tried to deal with the council regarding the summons for unpaid council tax...it didn't go too well, and I ended up panicking and freaking out. They refused to stop the summons, and also had no record of calls I had made before...so frustrating... However, my mum (totally fantastic) has come to my rescue again - she is coming down to be with me for the court date, I have also written to my MP about it (because owing the CT is due to the DWP taking away my JSA), and I have an appointment to see her assistant next Wednesday...so I did take control, with a lot of help, and although I felt physically awful, I managed to go, with A, for a walk which did help.... Today, I had another one, when I received a letter from Atos (who deal with medical claims for ESA) asking why I hadn't attended a medical check up - well I hadn't known about it... I completed the form (advising them that I hadn't attended because they hadn't told me about it) and sent it off - but I'm worried because I don't know if they will stop the ESA for this.... Added to that, my Purdy-cat has been having some real problems - she is toileting in the house, including in a basket of clean laudry...today, she was meowing and so distressed, and I couldn't figure out what was wrong, she was pacing and scraping the floor...I figured it out, and turned round to see her, well, you can guess...and then she was fine, curled up and went to sleep..but it was so hard to see her distressed, she obviously wanted to find somewhere suitable and held on as long as she could, but in the end she had to give in. Because all the cats have been trained to use the garden, we don't have a litter tray (if we had one, they'd all use it, which is why I've held back on that option)... Anyway, she has an appointment at the vets on Monday, to rule out a medical reason...... I love my Purdy-girl, she is so much my kitty, and I'm scared that there's something really wrong with her.....
The thing is that having a panic attack isn't always like it is on the TV - I don't always gasp, or wheeze - often you could look at me and you'd not necessarily see anything - but actually I'm struggling to breath, feeling sick, shaking, and my heart is racing and/or thumping/palpitations....the aftermath is like when you have the flu - aching muscles, nausea, headache, exhaustion and feeling overly emotional.. Mental illness is invisible, and thus often easy to dismiss... I'm terrified about my Atos appointment, because I know they've denied benefit to people who have had a stroke, and other noticeable illnesses - so how on earth will I be dealt with..??? I guess I'll just have to wait and see.....
Right, I must sign off now..... Thank you for letting me vent... it helps me so much ....
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