Since I last blogged I have been trying to take it easy, aiming to help myself feel better by taking the pressure off...it has worked, well to a degree anyway...I am feeling slightly better but am so conscious of the fact that my emotional equilibrium can change very quickly. I'm really grateful to all of you who contacted me, and left me so many lovely messages of love and support...even as low as I was, they did reach me, and although I couldn't reply, I read them all and smiled...
Over the last few days I have managed to complete some of my uni work, as well as housework - which is a bonus....I feel good for having done so, not just for completing the tasks, but also for the fact that I got up and did them...when really all I wanted to do was to hibernate under the duvet. I've also managed to deal with A, although he has been very good recently, he has also had moments of mad hyperactivity which I find really hard to deal with. So yeah, I feel marginally more positive than I did last week; although I am still finding it very hard to talk to people, see people etc.
My mum came down today, and it's so good to see her. She backs me up with A, takes the pressure off, and she's just there for me as mothers are. Tomorrow I have to go to Havant for the appeal about my JSA. I'm really nervous about it, actually feel nauseous; am so glad that my mum will be there with me because I'm not sure I'd manage without her. I know that because she's there I'll be calm, and cope with whatever happens. I wish my dad could come down as well, but I know he's busy. Both my parents are a massive support for me, and I'm so grateful for that.
Tomorrow evening sees the local council's free Firework display, and we're planning on going - provided the weather stays dry. I love fireworks, and this display is normally really good... I've watched a fair few local garden displays from my window over the last couple of days but there's really nothing like getting all bundled up in warm clothes, gloves, hat, and scarf and standing in a muddy field with thousands of other people going 'oooh' and 'aaah' at the fireworks and laughing as the bonfire fails to light until half a gallon of petrol is tipped over it. Fingers crossed for good weather tomorrow then....
I'm trying to focus on the good things which happen, on taking small steps each day, and on achieving as much as I am able to. Mostly I wake up, get A to school, do a bit of uni reading, sleep, do some more reading, and then wait for A to get home from school...To me this is a good day, I've done some uni work and I've got through the day without falling apart. Some days are harder than others, and it's a real effort to get anything done. I can't say why one day is worse than another, which is frustrating because I'd love to be able to do something about it. Sleeping is becoming a real problem; I'm waking up several times a night, and finding it hard to switch off and go to sleep - then I'm exhausted during the day, and although I try not to, I always end up having a nap. I'm trying to stick to a rule of not napping after lunch, I figure that it's less likely to impact on my night time if I doze in the morning...but the fact remains that I am so so tired at the moment and so long as I get some work done, I feel that it's better to sleep than to stress over feeling tired and making myself stay awake. I don't know, I'm sure the doc will have some advice for me when I go back. The cats are still my little buddies, snuggling close to me and giving me something (other than myself) to focus on when I'm alone, or when A is asleep. They distract me, and help take my mind off things....at night, sometimes the only way I can get to sleep is by stroking purdy or molly, and drifting off. I don't know what I'd do without my kitties, they may drive me mad sometimes (especially at the moment as the kitchen door still isn't fixed, and they see it as a matter of honour to sneak in there as often as possible), but without them I think I'd be worse off. Interestingly they aren't at all fazed by the fireworks, in fact Molly sat on the windowsill with Purdy yesterday, watching them....weird....but good...
Tomorrow will be a busy day, and I'm dreading it. I don't know what to expect, and I hate that. I don't know what I need to do, and that's scaring me. I'm worried in case I lose this appeal but I fear that I won't be an effective advocate for myself; that's one of the reasons my mum is coming with me. So I really can't wait for it to be done and dusted; I'm worrying that I won't sleep tonight (and, yes I know that won't help). So it's all a bit messy right now. I shall take myself off to bed at a reasonable time tonight, and try to relax and sleep...and then I shall just have to take a deep breath and go for it tomorrow.
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