life is a roller-coaster....

[yes, I really have been reduced to quoting Ronan Keating songs...I'm really very sorry about this, it won't happen again....I promise]

so.....last Wednesday was not such a good day for me. You may have noticed. However, and I realise that this is no consolation for those of you who read my misery-fest, getting it all out did help me... Because on Thursday I actually managed to get my act together, just a tiny bit, and faced up to some things which have been panicking me. Stupid little things. But, as is often the case, these little things had become huge problems for me....only now they aren't...not any more.... oh no.. I was a big brave girlie.. yay me...lol.... So what was it that scared me so much....well...see... I kinda forgot to renew my university library books, well one of them...and then that meant I couldn't renew the rest...and that meant that I was racking up fines (let's just not go there re the whole 'why didn't I just go in and take them back - I don't know...and 3 days of asking myself that question hasn't produced an answer..)....and the longer it went on, the more scared I got that the fines were now un-affordable...because the uni library does charge a lot (or so I thought) for overdue books..... Anyway, last Thursday I decided that, whilst my courage didn't extend to actually going into the library and finding out the situation, I could cope with emailing them. So I did. And my courage (ha) was rewarded because not only did the nice people at the library renew my books, but my fines weren't £50 as I'd feared, but £9.80....which I have now paid....... whoop and indeed whoop....

So, the other issue which was becoming a massive problem for me, was that the longer I went without doing any work on my MA, the harder it got to pick up the pen and book again....it wasn't that I didn't want to do it, I'd just got myself so tangled up in fear over the library book situation, and over the fact that I'd not been working as much as I thought I should, that it stopped me from actually getting on with it....but once I'd sorted out the library books, I did start to feel better and lo and behold I was able to get on with taking notes...and I have since managed to get properly back into it. So again, yay... I'm still behind in terms of the timescale provisionally agreed with my supervisor, but I'm pretty sure (fingers crossed) that it isn't a major issue. The main thing is that I'm back working again, and the fear over completing the MA has dissipated...

Anyway, apart from that things have been very up and down. I'm still fighting the urge to just stay in bed, or even to go back to bed once I'm up. I had a long chat with my mum (well actually several long chats), and one of the things we talked about was whether I should give up the MA for now, in order to allow myself to get fully better...but, as I said to her, I'm pretty sure that were I to stop the MA, I'd end up staying in bed. Apart from when I have A that is. At the moment, working on the MA means that I do feel as though I'm achieving something, even if it's something small; and the feeling of failure when I don't work on it, is small compared to how lousy I'd feel if I had nothing to do. I just know that, without the MA, I'd have nothing to aim for, and I'd spend the whole day doing nothing, and hating myself for it. So at the very least, I shall finish the MA. What will happen re the PhD is another matter and one which, thankfully, I can put off thinking about for a couple of months....

I'm almost used to my feelings, the nausea, emptiness, sadness, lump in throat, churning stomach etc, being so changeable. I can wake up, feeling relatively positive and then for no reason, or none that I can figure out anyway, be plunged into feeling down and lousy.....I know that certain situations can trigger it, but sometimes it just happens for no reason....it's very frustrating because I hate feeling like this, and if I could tell what triggered it, maybe I could stop it, or do something to change it. I'm hoping that when I [finally] reach the top of the list for counselling, I'm able to work with someone who can help me with this. Because the despair is not a constant companion; I'm capable of feeling happy - for example, last Thursday I was walking back from the local shops when a friend (S) drove past, and as she was dropping someone off in my road, we were able to have a quick catch up...and I was just so so pleased to see her, my friend who is there for me, no matter the fact that sometimes I don't contact her for a while...

Other things which make me happy [in no particular order] - spending time with A, when he is calm and happy, and we're just hanging out together enjoying ourselves; getting into a good book, losing myself in the story; finding a particularly good quote or argument for my MA dissertation; having snuggles with my kitties, especially when purdy and molly cat come and sleep on my bed, up close to me as though they are protecting me; finding a new author, and thus a new set of books to get my teeth into; fundraising and raising awareness for the Jack Marshall Brain Tumour Fund, Jackamo is always my hero and inspiration; feeling a sense of achievement when I've completed a task, even if it is only doing the laundry or the washing up; being with my friends and family (both on and offline).

All of those things help - sometimes it's total happiness, other times it's more about minimising the fear and turmoil inside me...but I'm trying hard to recognise the good times, and to remember them when times are harder...because it's all about keeping my head above water at the moment.

Now, it's occurred to me that this blog is rather one sided..it's all about me....and I love that you all read it, and I appreciate all the comments I get...but I did want to say that if anyone wants to share anything, privately or openly, then please feel free.....I don't know, maybe we can help each other.... I can't be the only one who feels like this, and I know that writing this has helped me.... I say stuff on here which I'd never say face to face, and people know more about me due to this blog, than they would otherwise...and that's a good thing..it's helping me to be more open in 'real' life as well.... I'm pretty sure that I'd be far more isolated and lonely without this blog, and that my mind would be in a greater tangle than it is, if I hadn't been able to work out my thoughts and feelings here..... you don't have to comment, but you're welcome to do so... the floor is yours, people :)