oops.....

So I realised that I haven't posted for a while...sorry about that..unless you liked the peace and quiet, in which case I'm sorry for disturbing you ;)

I've just not felt much like talking, or doing anything really...but today I've really made an effort to get on and do things and in that spirit I thought I'd blog.....

The last week has been a tricky one, after last Wednesday I've been feeling particularly at a loss for motivation. I have to admit that I've let things drift, and haven't got on with Uni work at all....which has increased my feelings of guilt. So yeah, not good.... Mind you, today has been better, on that front at least.... The nice postman delivered 3 important bits of post; the tribunal decision, the letter from Atos regarding my claim for ESA and the DWP request for my sick-note. So instead of putting it all to one side and ignoring it until the guilt kicked in, I cracked on and completed the Atos questionnaire. I'm kinda glad that I started it without thinking, and without reading ahead, because it was a hard one to complete. Not that the questions were horrible or unreasonable, but I had to give details and information about how my depression and anxiety impact on my life, and how it makes me feel....that was tough, and scary, because I've never really sat down and thought about all the things this horrible illness does to me - until now....when I had to write it down, then it made it even more real and I realised just how much this stupid thing is changing my life. I'm pretty sure that I probably forgot to mention something relevant, and I'm kinda worried that my answers were a tad incoherent but there you go.... I completed it, and A posted it for me.... so all I can do now is wait.... I'm not expecting Atos to be sympathetic in any way, my dad told me last week about a friend of his who is clearly unwell and unable to work (I can't remember the details but it was something serious and obvious, such as a stroke), and who was informed by Atos that he was fit to work.... I'm not going on an anti-Atos rant now, I don't have the energy, but I'm fully prepared to be knocked back by them... why would they believe me when they don't believe people who have obvious illnesses...

I've also managed to do some more reading for my dissertation....it's weird...when I think about working on my dissertation, I get very anxious and fearful that I won't be able to do it...but when I actually do the reading, I'm ok....well sort of...I still feel bad, but I can get on with it. However, it is getting harder and harder to work on Uni stuff and it's painful to admit but I'm not sure I can do it. It's not that I don't want to, because I really do...but the anxiety is so bad that it's affecting this now.... It's really hard to explain, because the thought of not completing the MA makes me want to cry, but at the same time I'm finding it harder and harder to do the work, because my anxiety kicks in and I panic and feel as though I'm failing. I'm not sure what to do now... Part of me wants to just keep going but the panic is there and that part of me wants to stop, and not to have to think about it any more. I don't want to give up, I don't want to give in to this stupid illness, but I'm also so very very tired of feeling so panicky and sick and tired all the time. The urge to just stay in bed is overwhelming....if I didn't have A then I would probably give in. I want to give in so much....but instead I make myself carry on, as much as I can, and fight the feelings and try to be normal... To give up my MA was feel like total and complete failure, and I'm pretty sure I'd hate myself even more than I do already...and that, more than anything, is making me stubbornly carry on. I'm more afraid (at the moment) of how bad I'd feel having stopped, than of how panicked I am continuing.... I am so screwed up it's actually ridiculous... and yet, if you met me, you'd probably not know, cos I can fake it good...sadly...sometimes I'd like to just fall apart, and see people's reactions...not in a horrible way, but just because so many of us are probably the same, faking it till we make it....and maybe if we could just fall apart a bit and have recognition about how we're feeling, then it would help...I don't know...

One good thing, when I wore my jeans the other day I had to take the belt in another notch...so yay for me being good and not breaking my diet.....to be fair, even when I'm at my worse I don't feel like eating masses of chocolate any more.. some people would say that that suggests that I'm not myself, but I couldn't possibly comment.

Right, time for me to stop babbling on.....