What's it *really* like to be a fatty* 

*(well, my perspective anyway).... (please note that some people may find parts of this icky and should not read it when eating, lol)

I should make it clear that my family and friends are amazing, always 100% supportive and that what I'm about to write is not a reflection on them. It's just how I feel, sometimes, and I don't think I'm alone in this....

Funnily enough, apart from when I catch sight of myself in the mirror, I don't always feel huge...I mean I know I am, I just don't *always* feel it.. That said, I'm always conscious of the effects of my weight. For example, my knee - it's been dodgy since I was a (skinny) teenager but it's getting worse and there's only one reason, no matter how much I try to hide my head in the sand... And then there's the limp and the fact that I probably look weird when I walk, I hate that... Oh, and I can't forget the fact that in any temp above freezing I always end up hot and sweaty - *not* pleasant and very humiliating at times...  so yeah, there are physical effects, but the internal/mental effects are probably worse....

There's the fear that, when someone moves away or doesn't sit next to me, it's because I'm a fatty and/or smelly (see aforementioned hot/sweaty-ness). It doesn't matter if it's true or not, the humiliation is there inside and it's horrible. It doesn't matter that I'm scrupulous about hygeine, I still feel the embarrassment and fear anyway.

Then there's the feeling that I'm embarrassing my friends and family when I'm with them...that people are looking and wondering why anyone would be with the fatty...that I'm constantly slowing them down and being a nuisance... It doesn't matter whether they're thinking it (don't think they are but certainly wouldn't blame them if they did), because I feel it and it hurts.

This is without the angst about clothing...let's not even go there....

Basically, being a fatty isn't fun. Don't get me wrong, I don't sit here all the time sobbing and being embarrassed etc., but there are certainly times when it does get to me. And so, as some of you are probably shouting at the screen right now, I decided to do something about it. Much as I would like an instantaneous solution, it's not going to happen. It's going to be a long, hard few months ahead (especially as I have to write 15,000 words for my dissertation) but I will get there. I've already had some lovely messages of support, and I'm so grateful. As a student I have a more sedentary lifestyle. I love it, but it's not good for me. So I intend to either bike or walk for 30 mins (at least) everyday...feel free to ask me if I've done it, don't let me wiggle (haha) out of it.. I can do this but I can't do it on my own...

Right, I'm off to do some research into 19th prostitutes and the Contagious Diseases Act (see I told you being a historian was fun)