Smiling a real smile, for the first time in a long time

Well....it's been a bit of a whirlwind this last week. I can't actually remember when I last blogged and I'm sure I'll leave bits out, but there you go. So, here's a (brief) update on what's been going on....

So, last Wednesday was the big day with regard to my ESA benefit appeal. I was very nervous, as you can imagine. I was also nervous for another reason, which I'll get to a little later on...so on Wednesday morning, after a disturbed sleep, I was awake early and feeling sick. I was very lucky that my fabulous friend J had agreed to come with me. Noticing how nervous I was, and being the lovely son that he can be, A offered to come with me to the station and keep me company until the train arrived. It was the best thing he could have done, as having him there took my mind of the tribunal, and allowed me to relax a little bit. J joined the train at Fratton, and we spent the journey talking about my other news (*big grin*) which also helped to make me feel somewhat calmer. When we got to Havant we eventually managed to find our way out of the station and onto the correct road, and finally into the tribunal centre. We didn't have long to wait, which was nice as I was starting to get nervous again. When we went into the courtroom, the judge didn't even wait until I'd sat down before saying "well I'm very sympathetic to this case but I have to go through the points the DWP have raised".... As you can imagine I was really pleased by this, but (being me) didn't want to get my hopes up too much.... He then proceeded to ask me several questions about my house, the post which had gone missing, and what I'd said to Atos and the DWP. It seemed to go on forever but was actually only about 5-10 minutes. He then looked at me and said, "I'm going to allow this appeal". YAY.. I was sooo pleased and relieved. He said he was allowing it for two reasons, one because the DWP had accepted the reason for missing the appointment the first time, so they should have accepted it again the next time and two, because they had failed to follow their own rules regarding taking into account all health issues. J and I walked out there with HUGE smiles on our faces, and did a little dance of joy. We had to wait for them to get me a copy of the decision, but once we got it, it was off to a local cafe for a cuppa and a kitkat (yeah we know how to celebrate in style...lol...)...

I'm sure you can all imagine how relieved I am. I should get all the ESA backdated, other issues such as council tax benefit will be reinstated, and (more to the point) common sense has actually prevailed... I've yet to hear from the DWP regarding when they'll actually reinstate my ESA but I plan to ring them tomorrow to chase it up. I'm not exactly convinced that they'll be rushing to do it, so I think it's best to keep on top of them.. :) Having this resolved has been a huge weight off my shoulders, and has improved my mood no end. Although there have been other developments which have also cheered me up... and I guess it's about time that I shared those with you.

Some of you, maybe all of you, will already know this. But for those of you who don't, I'm no longer single and lonely...yay for me.. I really wasn't expecting this and so, although it's been on the cards for some time now, I'm still slightly stunned...but very happy. I'm not going to bore you all, or nauseate you, with the details, but for those of you who, like me, love to know the story, here are the highlights:
His name is Jack, and we met 4 years ago when he came to uni in Pompey. I rather liked him then, but it wasn't to be as he got together with a friend of mine. But we did become good friends, and things stayed that way for a year or so. Sadly, and due to the actions of others, the group of friends broke apart, things changed, I finished my degree, and we lost touch...in all honesty, although I hoped we'd get back in touch, I wasn't convinced we would. Last year, however, I was in a meeting with my dissertation supervisor when who should knock on the door but Jack....I was shocked, and stupidly didn't take the chance to get back in touch...I kicked myself for that. I ummed and ahhed about finding him, and adding him, on Facebook, but again, chickened out. Then I noticed he was in a group I'm in on FB, and, although it took me another month, I eventually friend requested him. Long story short, we started chatting, and things developed from there. We met up again at his graduation, and he came down again last week......and the rest, as they say, is history (which is apt, considering we're both history geeks). I don't think I've smiled so much in years. I'm not going into gushy detail, that's not my thing, but I feel very fortunate right now. The things we have in common, not to mention how lovely he is to me, make me feel properly good about myself for the first time in ages. I can't help pinching myself sometimes, because I never really expected this to happen. :)

Right now, I'm sitting on the sofa, next to my darling god-daughter S, with my bestie, C, sitting next to her and A sitting on the balcony with C's daughter Ch...They've come down for the week, and I'm chuffed to bits.... We always try to get together for a week in the holidays, and they usually come to us as we're by the sea. We're both skint, but it doesn't matter because we can just chill and enjoy ourselves anyway..... I'm enjoying the break from my dissertation, not to mention having lovely cuddles from my god-daughters....

One thing which has been really clear this last week is that I have some amazing friends. The happiness people have shown over the appeal win, as well as over my other news, has been so great, it's really made me smile to see how pleased people are and I love it. Thank you all.

Happy and crossing everything that this feeling lasts

I was going to write a blog post about the crap stuff which happened last week. The reappearance of a bill which I thought was sorted, the panic attack which followed (worst one ever), the tears and the insomnia.....I really was. But y'know what, I'm actually feeling happy for once, and so I'm not going to write that blog post. If you want to know the details then just ask, and I'll fill you in.. but for now I want to celebrate the good things which have happened to me....

First of all my cousin got married on Friday. The whole day was just fantastic. I had the best time and it was so fabulous to celebrate with her, and her fiance (well, hubbie now), and the families... She looked beautiful, her groom looked handsome, and the guests had a fine old time.... They were married outside, and it was the first time I'd been to a wedding where the ceremony was outside. The weather stayed dry (same can't be said for some peoples eyes, I may have had a small tear) and it was just so special. The reception was held in the grounds of a school, next to an old castle, and was in a teepee style tent:

I got to see my Nan's cousin, David, who came over Canada. He is very special to all of us, and it's always lovely to see him. All in all, it was just about the perfect day and I'm so glad I got to celebrate with them....

Of course as the wedding was up in the midlands, I had to go and stay with my parents, and that was fab as well. It's always nice to go and spend time with them. This time mum and I sorted out their wedding photos into an album. They've just celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary so I guess it was time for that to be done ;) I loved seeing the pictures of them, Dad with his amazing 70s haircut, and mum in her wedding dress. Not to mention pictures of my grandparents, three of whom have since passed away. Then we found some pics of me and my brother, when we were little. So funny.. Will be scanning them in over the next few days for your entertainment. The journey back wasn't too bad either, although I do believe I may have fallen asleep and snored...oops...


I've also reconnected with people who I'd lost touch with, and who I'd missed having in my life. I'm very lucky to have so many great people in my life. I'm just trying, now, to enjoy the moment, not to worry that this feeling won't last, to know that I will cope, and to relish the fact that I've gone through one of the worst anxiety attacks, but have come out the other side, and I've confronted the issues, not ignored them.

So, I'm smiling today. I hope it continues. It's nice to feel happy. I know I have my tribunal this week, which makes this feeling of happiness extra special, because for once mind over matter, and focusing on the good, is working.

meh....but also Doctor Who...but mostly meh!

Not in the greatest of moods today but sometimes writing on the blog helps, so lucky you (although you can just close the tab now if you want (or delete the email), go on, it's okay, I don't mind).....

Before I dive into the 'meh' stuff, I'll update you all about Friday's trip to Brighton with A. It was awesome. We had so much fun, riding on the oldest electric railway, and then on Brighton's version of the London Eye. The weather was fabulous, and I love Brighton. Can't wait to go back again. Here are just a few pictures:

When we arrived back in Portsmouth, it had been raining (sunny all day in Brighton), and as we waited for the bus I happened to look up and see this:

Then later on that night we got a rather spectacular lightning show. This is unusual for Portsmouth, but was a lot of fun to watch. I'd like to upload the video but I can't right now...

Anyway, after the fun of Friday it's been back to the grindstone for me. And today, back to the mammoth depression and anxiety which grips me every so often. I'm not sure why it's descended today; maybe because I'm struggling with the dissertation. Although I'm not struggling in the normal way, oh no...I'm struggling because I'm writing too much and it's almost impossible to cut it down. I'm just having to tell myself to keep going, write it all, send it off for proof reading (to friends and my supervisor) and then when I've got the feedback, I can set about cutting it to shreds. It's kinda working, but the anxiety about it is there, and bubbling away. Which isn't helping. I wish it would just go away, I'm perfectly capable of writing way too much and cutting it back, but for some reason my stupid brain won't allow me to accept this, and fears/worries/anxieties keep forming and I can't stop them. Gah. Pushing through it means I'm writing, and progressing, but it also means that inside I feel shaky, sick, and panicky - which really is most unpleasant not to mention distracting.....sigh

Things weren't helped today by A having a mammoth blow up. He hasn't had one of those for ages, and it was awful. I know I handled it okay, because he calmed down, but I still feel sick and horrible. It was so hard to go through this again, after so much time when he has been better about keeping himself under control, and calming himself down. Today it started because he wanted bus fare. I could only give it to him in coins, and he wanted to get change so that he didn't have to carry all the coins! Yes, something as small as that. He kicked up, and knocked the money everywhere, and then did it again after I'd warned him he'd get nothing if he did so. When he realised that I was serious he went overboard. Screaming, shouting, trying to take money from my purse, taking my phone, and at one point he bit me. I can't put into words how horrible it is when your child, who you love, is roaring at you that he hates you, that you're evil, a bad mother, and so on... He would say that I never spend time with him, which is blatantly not true, but that doesn't matter - the pain of the hate in his voice when he was shouting at me is awful. I stayed calm, and eventually he calmed down. But you see the thing is, all I really wanted to do was to curl up in a ball and cry. And I couldn't. Having to hold it all in was as hard as hearing him in the first place. Even when he calmed down, even when his dad picked him up, and I was alone, I still stayed calm. I just got on with my dissertation, because the pressure feels as though I can't afford not to. I'm still calm now, on the surface I mean. Inside I'm a huge mess. I know I need a release of some sort but I can't seem to find it. I just want to go to bed and hide but I can't. I have things to do. Some of which I'm looking forward to (seeing my parents and going to my cousins wedding for example), some of which I'm not (physio tomorrow). Some of you will understand when I say that the pressure of not seeing a space to collapse in is making things worse. I know it will get better, and I will be alright. But right now.....

I know part of the problem is that the appeal for my ESA is fast approaching and I am (frankly) dreading it. I am so scared that it will be denied. I am so scared that I am going to lose it in there. I am so scared that half the time I can't even verbalise what's scaring me. But, I am scared. 

Physically things aren't great either. Some of it may be related to my anxiety, I don't know for sure. But my knee? Yeah that is getting worse all the time. I have to use my stick all the time now. When I forgot it on Friday I ended up buying a new one because I couldn't walk without it. Proper frustrating. I'm going to ask the physio to refer me for a scan. It's getting beyond ridiculous now. I'm doing all the exercises, and nothing is changing. Of course the pain and  embarrassment from my knee is not helping with my mood either. 

So yeah, not in a great mood tonight. Can't decide whether to stay up and watch documentaries with the cats, or go to bed and try to sleep. Lest this sound too much like a whinge (may be too late to avert that now of course) I am trying so hard to keep going and be positive,. And I am finding things to be positive about. Friday was wonderful. I can't wait to see my cousin get married on Friday. Seeing my parents will be a bonus. I have some amazing friends, including some who I've never met in person, but who understand what I'm going through and are so supportive (you know who you are). I have the cats who keep me entertained. I can still lose myself in a book. I have an amazing support network in place, with people helping in so many ways. I am becoming more brave about admitting my mental health issues. Most of the time A loves me, and we have fun. When things are bad I can have time to myself. My dissertation is going okay, and despite the panic, I am sure that I will complete it. 

I will be positive. I will succeed. I will acknowledge the good in my life. But sometimes I need to say how crap it can be. Today is one of those days. 

Ps - went to post this and realised I hadn't put the Doctor Who bit in....well... they announced the new Doctor Who today: Peter Capaldi. A good choice I think, dry wit and a look which will (hopefully) work.. Doctor Who makes me smile. I like having that to look forward to 

Did you miss me? Well of course you did :)

Hey, long time no write/read....sorry 'bout that.. Kinda got caught up with, well, being a proper student... by the time I'd written 1000 words about the 19th century, I really didn't jump at the chance to write more, even if those were about me :)

Anyway, I'm back, and I'm sure you're chuffed to bit about that....don't hide it, embrace it....or something... yeah, sorry, am a little punch drunk today, lack of sleep does that to me.... apologies in advance for the insanity which follows....

I would update you on what's been going on since I last posted but a) I can't *actually* remember when that was, b) I can't remember what I've done, well not all of it anyway and c) most importantly I loves you lot and I really don't want to bore you stupid....sooooo, here's a mini update (which will probably turn into a loooong post)...oh and a picture of Purdy-cat in a tree. Just because...

So, being terribly British I shall of course start with the weather....which is now reverting to being more typical of a British summer .. i.e. RAIN.... I did manage to get in a few days of enjoying the garden though, and one Sunday I even managed to doze off on a sun-lounger...bliss.... Just laying there, looking up at the sky through the branches, with the cats (baffled as to why I was in their territory) curled up next to me, and bees, butterflies and other buzzy/flying things keeping me company...

Fingers crossed the weather will be nice again, so that A and I can enjoy some days out, and make the most of the summer holidays. Yes, it's that wonderful time - the 6 week long holiday. I do like it, although I understand why some don't. I have lots planned, although much depends on finances, but we are aiming to go to Brighton for the day this Friday. It's so lovely to spend time with him, and I'm pleased that he still wants to do so. In the meantime, I have been working very hard on my dissertation and, thankfully, so far it is flowing well. I've written way more than I need to but I operate on the belief that it's better to write it all, use all the evidence I want to, and then to go through and edit it down. So much easier to do than trying to decide what to put in/leave out as I go along. Of course I won't be able to use everything I've found, much to my disgust, but that's the nature of academic research, if you've done it correctly then you will always have more research than you can use... I'm really enjoying writing it as well, which is a relief. Sometimes, no matter how much you like the topic, writing it can be a chore. So far, not the case and fingers crossed it stays that way. 

Other than that I've been chilling with A, and when he's not here and I'm not writing, then I've been relaxing with a good book. Bliss. Really. I've also had the chance to catch up with some friends who I'd not seen for a while. Last week, on Tuesday, it was the graduation for those who did the MA over one year. I should, of course, have been graduating with them, but I wasn't. I'm not going to lie, it was a weird, bittersweet feeling, but I'm glad I went. A and I went and sat in Guildhall Square and watched on the big screen. My friend J was graduating (undergrad) as well, so bonus was getting to see him. I'd had a lovely lunch with him the day before, and it reminded me just how nice it is to see people who are friends and I don't have to pretend with them, or fake calmness or whatever. Anyway, it was great to witness people I care about graduating. Sandi Toksvig is the Chancellor at the moment, and her speech was very funny. Hoping that she's still Chancellor when I graduate next year. I'm so proud all my friends who graduated last week. You know who you are. Well done *big cheer*

Today has also been nice, another friend J (not same one as last week) came back to Pompey for a visit, and we met up with M who was our tutor, and as a bonus the legend that is JT (and his lovely wife S) turned up at the cafe as well. So it was a fabulous morning, and I was sad when I had to leave. For the first time in a long time I wasn't happier to be going home. Progress? JT is legendary because he is just amazing as a person and as a lecturer. He does one option at undergrad level called Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash - about pirates. Needless to say it is the most popular unit option. I loved it so much. Both JT and his wife are lovely people, so kind and supportive. So today I was very fortunate, I was with people who support me, and encourage me, and are there for me. A good thing. 

In other news, I received my appeal notification (after the cancellation last time). I have a friend coming with me (another J), and although I'm not looking forward to it, and am already finding myself going over scenarios in my head, I'm trying not to focus on it too much. I'm terrified that they won't reverse the decision, and I'm scared about what I will do then. But I'm telling myself that worrying won't help. And that works. Mostly. 

Before then I've got a wedding to look forward to; my cousin S is marrying her fiance A, and I can't wait. I have a new dress (which fits and looks good - YAY), and A is going to make them a cake - as he can't make it to the wedding. So I'm focusing on that, because it will be good, and because S and A deserve my attention, the DWP et al do not. 

Things on the 'healing' front are problematic however. It has been decided, not surprisingly, that the self-help I was referred for is not "appropriate" for me right now. Talking Change have closed my file. Which sucks. I need more counselling. They agree. I agree. But they won't provide it for me, I have to go to somewhere which charges. Even though part of the reason I need more counselling is because in the last set of sessions, a lot of stuff from my past, which I had successfully (if unhealthily) suppressed, was raked up again and now I'm dealing (or rather not dealing) with it. I am cross that TC are abandoning me like this. I'm having nightmares and flashbacks again. I'm having panic attacks if I see someone who looks like a certain person. And I'm remembering things I'd really rather not. But despite this, all they would offer me was CBT which I've already had, and which they themselves agree will not actually help. I *know* intellectually how to deal with the flashbacks/dreams etc., but that's not much help when the underlying problem won't go away. So I have to pluck up the courage to go to this new service and cross my fingers (I'm doing a lot of that right now) that I can afford to use them. If not, well I don't know. I don't want to think about that right now. I'm slipping a bit on the ol' chocolate front, although I know it could be worse. I've managed to resist most of the time, but every so often it really gets too much and I give in. Of course I then beat myself up, which doesn't help. So I'm trying to work through this without doing too much damage to myself or others. 

On the plus side, I'm rocking my walking stick. I'm using it for any walking journeys I do over about 1/4 mile. I'm learning not to care, because it really does help me. And as JT said, it's very useful for poking people with ;) In all seriousness though I am slightly concerned that, because it allows me to walk further than I could without it, I could be doing more harm than good. But I have a physio appointment on Monday, and I will ask him about it then - I'm also going to ask for a referral for a scan. Fundamentally my knee is not improving, it's getting worse. Something has to be done, even if it's just to rule out causes. We will see. 

So that's me right now. I'm doing okay. Because I'm working on my dissertation, and spending time with A, and with friends, and I'm not doing anything challenging. I'm well aware that when things go wrong, I'm not coping; e.g. Sunday when A had a run in with the local idiots up near where his dad's girlfriend lives...panic attacks and tears on Sunday night, and a hangover from that (not alcohol) yesterday. So it's still there. Lurking. Even when I'm coping, there's a part of me which knows that. I just have to carry on, what else can I do. 

Finally, I want to leave you with this blog post written by my friend BR, it's a beautiful tribute to her friend who died recently. I cried when I read it. It broke my heart. I have no doubt that he knew he was loved, but other things were too much for him. Anger and heartbreak are the words which spring to mind. Sometimes people can't be strong any more. I can't comprehend how he must have felt, and yet I am going through similar issues. No one situation matches another exactly. But we all have a responsibility to our friends/family etc., Reach out, check people are alright, be there for a giggle, but also for when things are hard. I've never have got through any of this without my family and friends. 

http://titflasher.wordpress.com/2013/07/26/for-greg-and-all-who-loved-him/

Love and hugs to all 

A mammoth catch up

Well, it's been a while since I blogged, but I do have a good excuse, honest. Last week was taken up with lots of hard, physical work and by the time it came to the evening, my normal blogging time, I could barely keep my eyes open or remember my own name, let alone write coherently about my day....Over the weekend, I intended to blog but somehow time just got away from me. So here I am.

Firstly, the garden. Well it looks amazing and all the hard work was worth it. This is what it looked like beforehand:

By the end of Thursday, after a lot of hard work by my mum, my uncle, and my neighbour Bill, it looked like this:

It took a lot of sweat and very hard work, and I am really grateful to everyone who helped. Being able to have a garden which is nice to look at, and (more importantly) I can sit out in, is a huge bonus - and just in time for the hot weather.....

Bill, my lovely neighbour, even sorted my front garden out for me. He got rid of an old bush, and relaid all the concrete patio slabs... I felt very fortunate last week. Not least when my mum bravely saved me from the shed full of spiders:

Thanks Mum..... I did feel a bit bad as I cut back the brambles etc., because beforehand although the garden was a jungle, the bees, butterflies, and frogs, were loving it.... I'm hoping that, even with my anti green fingers, I'll be able to control the brambles and other plants, so that they don't take over the garden but do provide cover and food for insects etc. I even found the paddling pool, which was very useful as a giant washing up bowl, lol. All in all it was a great week, even if it didn't start off so well....

Oh yes, last Monday....I was due to have my appeal against the removal of my ESA heard, my mum had come down a day earlier so that she could come with me. I was on the bus, on the way into town to get the train to Havant, for the tribunal (at 10:40am) when (at 9:29am) I received a call from the Tribunal service telling me that they were cancelling it. Yes. An hour before it was due to start. Needless to say I was not happy, and once I was off the bus, I rang them back. A long, and not particularly pleasant, conversation ensued. The upshot was that the fault lay with the DWP in Cardiff (now why does that not surprise me), who had somehow listed my appeal with the wrong panel. Apparently, each judge has a specialty, not to mention that they receive the case files a few days before so that they can read up and know what's going on. I still don't fully understand it, but my case had been sent to the wrong panel, and so the judge had said he/she couldn't hear it. I don't know if they had read the case file, or not but whatever had happened the appeal was cancelled and I now have to wait for another one to be set. I was angry, and upset. But as with all bureaucracies, it doesn't matter about the individual, they don't care. It's just "oops sorry" and then you just have to deal with it. No care about the impact on people, no attempt to make it right, no consideration of resolving it so that the person (me) doesn't lose out, and certainly no indication that they will learn from their mistakes. Can you imagine them being so understanding if I'd made the error? I'll just wait for you to stop laughing. Glass of water? All ok now? Good good.... So that was the start to the week, thankfully it did get much better from then on.... Mum and I decided to wander round town, and I found a dress for my cousins' wedding, which really cheered me up. And it was on sale, which cheered me up even more... I'm still waiting to hear about the appeal but I'm not holding my breath.

Sadly A has been really poorly for the last few days. He started with an ear infection on Wednesday which the doctor initially wanted to treat by seeing if he could beat it himself. Unfortunately he couldn't, and was back to the docs on Friday, being given an antibiotic ear spray. However it doesn't seem to be working, he is still having a lot of ear pain, and swelling and can't hear properly. I know all teenagers have selective hearing but this is genuine. Without paracetamol and ibuprofen his temp goes up, and he gets very lethargic, and even in this heat will feel cold. As I write this he is curled up on the end of the sofa covered in a blanket. I've had to turn the fan off, so I am melting. He is cold. If he's no better tomorrow morning then I will have to get in touch with the doc again.

Having A off school made this morning interesting, as I had a docs appointment myself, and then a physio appointment. I don't like leaving him on his own when he's ill but having dosed him up with his painkillers etc., and tucked him up in bed, off I went. The docs was just for a medication review - much needed. The doc I saw is lovely, I really like him, he's known us for 13 years now and is very good at remembering details etc., about us. Anyway, I'm glad that I saw him, because the news wasn't great. I'm being sent for a precautionary ECG on Thursday, because of some palpitations I've been having. He's pretty sure that it's related to my anxiety but he wants to make sure. At the same time, oh joy, I have to have blood tests (thyroid plus others) because (and this is really upsetting) despite my dieting and despite the exercise I've actually put on weight. Am really down about this. Especially after the exertions of last week, when I know (looser clothes) that I lost some weight. I've had the thyroid tests before, and it's always been negative, so I don't expect anything different this time. But I guess it has to be ruled out. I have to go back to see Dr R in a month or so to discuss the results etc.

So after that it was off to physio, where I was able to ask about the whole situation with my knee (which has, unsurprisingly, been very very painful after last week). I also told him about the whole weight thing, and he mentioned thyroid as well. He has also given me some new exercises to do. The old ones were easy, and didn't seem to be doing anything, so he has suggested working different muscles. I can say that when he had me try them out there, I could definitely feel the effects...so that's good. Now for the bad: apart from a short (20 min) cycle ride every day (if I can manage it), I am not allowed to do anything else. Which, frustratingly, rules me out of doing the Race for Life this Sunday. Funnily enough, given that I can hardly walk the 1/3 mile to the docs without keeling over from pain, he feels that walking 5k (and in the predicted heat as well) would be a bad idea. I am annoyed, frustrated but (guiltily) also slightly relieved. I had been very concerned about my ability to complete the 5k, and was really worrying that I'd do more damage. He concurred. I am also under instruction to use my stick. I've been trying to manage without it, not wanting to get dependent, but have been told not to be so daft, and that I must use it. If anyone has sponsored me, and wants the money back, please let me know. I truly understand. I'd also like to apologise to the Marshall's and to Cancer Research for letting them down.

So that's me now. About to get back on the dissertation train, hoping that I can work through the heat (which is melting me), and get as much done as possible before A breaks up for the summer holidays a week tomorrow!! Emotionally, mentally, I'm struggling but keeping going. Lots of emotions churning around, and a lot of bad feeling inside. I'm hoping that the dissertation will help to distract me, and get me through this. In the meantime, just venting out here has, as usual, helped. So I'm off to see if I can cool down before bed..... :)

Terry Pratchett Rules........................

The title of this post will be explained later :)

When I try to think of how to sum up the gaps between my posts, more and more I'm finding that although I've had a mixed week, this is becoming the norm.....a week of crappy days, mixed with less-crappy days....I guess it's good that there's some kind of 'normality'...just wish it was bit less of an up and down normality. I can't actually remember the last time I posted. Last week sometime I guess. I suppose I should check... *short pause, tinkly music playing* Right, I'm back. It was last Monday....ooooo lots has happened since then.... Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin (and a prize to the first person who can identify where that phrase is from)

Tuesday was a good day, spent catching up with my friend K who has seen me go through a lot. We have a great friendship and I'm lucky to know her. She's also 9 months pregnant, due any day...needless to say I am super excited and can't wait to get the text to say that baby has arrived and I can go and have snuggly cuddles. It was great to see her again, and to have a good catch up. I'm planning to take advantage of her being on maternity leave, and spend as much time with her as I can. Lucky K ;)

Thursday was, um, interesting. I noticed that there was something weird about Billy-cat's left front paw, and a closer look made me realise that he had, somehow, managed to step in some paint. I tried to get it off with baby wipes, which didn't work. So off we went to the vets, Billy most put out by being tricked into the carrier with the promise of treats, and deeply unhappy at being carried in a box. The vets were great, they tried to remove it, but no success. They told me that he'd probably have to be sedated, and quoted me over £100.... *gulp*... When they realised it was unaffordable, they tried very hard to get the paint off without sedation, but Billy was having none of it. So they (somehow) made the charge £45, Billy was sedated, and the paint (and his fur) removed.... His paw now resembles a, well I don't actually know what it resembles.....any thoughts?

Billy, after some fussing from A, soon forgave me, and is back to his normal self. I hope he's learnt his lesson though. Really don't want to go through that again.

A has been doing well at school recently. He loves to cook, I have no idea where he gets that from (his dad probably), and Thursday was the day he cooked at school. So I had the pleasure of a lovely macaroni cheese - it was delicious. Probably the nicest macaroni cheese I've had. Here's a picture (because I can)

So proud of him, and it's lovely to see his enthusiasm for, and pride in, his cooking. Makes me smile and he really deserves the praise he gets. It proves that he can work, and that positive reinforcement works well for him. I love seeing the happiness in his face when he realises that he has made something good, which people like.

One reason I haven't blogged for a while is that the weekend was tricky, and yet for some reason I didn't want to blog and preserve it in black and white forever. Now, I can't remember the specifics, and although I know it was tough, I also know that I got through it. I guess I don't want to be constantly moaning about crappy days, detailing them all and being a moaning minnie. It's not helpful to me and I don't see why you guys should put up with it. I have bad days. They're horrible whilst they're happening. But they do pass, and certain things help....which brings me to the title of this post.

I've recently been re-reading Terry Pratchett's Discworld series and I'm loving it. I'd forgotten how amazing these books are, how they draw you in and take you away, make you laugh, make you chuckle in recognition as he skewers the world, particularly it more pompous citizens. Every book I read I am finding several paragraphs which make me go "yes", and giggle a lot. He has a talent for getting to the point, and making it funny. I'm reading them at night, and this has turned out to be an inspired decision. For some time now I've been having some bad dreams, waking nightmares, and insomnia - all of which have made me not want to go to bed. Since I've been reading the books I've been more keen to go, get into bed and read. Not only have they taken my mind off my fears, the dreams have lessened. Insomnia is still a problem, but I have that in cycles anyway, and there's not much I can do, worrying just makes it worse. At least I have something good to read when I can't sleep :)

I've also managed to make good progress with my dissertation. It's been hard going, very tiring staring at a screen, but I'm getting there. I'm finding my enthusiasm is coming back, and my confidence in what I'm writing is back as well. Which is a relief. I can't wait until my new desk arrives though, it's not easy (or comfy) writing whilst sitting on the sofa....Mum is coming down next week to help me tackle the jungle that is my garden, and is bringing a desk down for me... am so grateful... She's also going to be here to accompany me to my tribunal meeting for my ESA removal. It's a coincidence that the date they gave me is when she's here, but a fantastic one nonetheless. I'm so relieved. Not looking forward to it, but with mum here it will be much easier. Finally, thanks to some amazing friends, it looks as though I will be able to go the the second Annual Jack Marshall Brain Tumour Fund Ball in September. I'd thought I wouldn't be able to go (for various reasons), but now I can and I'm so pleased. It's on the 21st September, so it will be the perfect treat to celebrate completing my dissertation. I can't wait to see everyone again, and to stay at J's house (and see her lovely family again). Thanks to C for the lift as well..... Jack is still a huge part of my life, and to have missed out on this would have been hard. He is still my inspiration, and hero, and I'll never forget him. Raising funds and awareness is important to me....

Speaking of which: I am doing the Race for Life in a few weeks, and would be grateful for any sponsorship people can give. I'll share the details on my FB, or you can contact me via this blog if you'd prefer...

Right, it's Discworld time......

Turbulence

It's been a while since I last blogged and that is down to the fact that I am a complete muppeT sometimes...well, okay, quite a lot of the time really. In this particular instance however, I achieved PhD levels of stupidity, and managed to screw up several days as well...yay me... So, what did I do? Well I panicked, over-reacted, didn't investigate properly when my laptop began to have charging problems. I just assumed that there was a problem with the charger, or the battery or even the laptop itself. I did check the cables and plugs, but didn't see a problem, and when it just started charging again, I thought that there was clearly a problem with the laptop. Long story, short: I arranged for it to be picked up and resigned myself to a week without a laptop. Then, on Saturday, I came to charge my phone, only to realise that it wasn't charging either. At that point I went over to the wall socket, and low and behold, the plug was hanging out... I have no idea why it had been working on and off, and no idea how it came out (although my working hypothesis is to blame the cats who knocked a whole pile of books onto the cable which could have yanked it out). I am recognising my idiocy in not checking the plug more carefully, but I am also so relieved that I don't have to send my laptop away. Anyway, the embarrassment is lingering. Which is nice.

All the stress, and worry over the laptop had to go somewhere, and sadly it seems to have transformed into a lot of anger, frustration, and sadness. I have tried really hard over the weekend to be nice to myself, to take it easy, and not force things. I hoped that this would mean that the bad feelings lessened, and that I would be able to pick up my dissertation again today with a fresh state of mind. Yeah, it didn't work out like that. Right now, I am a bundle of turbulent emotion. Depending on the trigger I could easily cry, or lash out in anger, or just lose it completely. To make things even more tricky, I have A this week. So I can't take myself off to bed, and it is likely that I will have to deal with some tricky moments, without exploding. Normally, when I feel like this, I withdraw from people; but I can't withdraw from A, and I don't really want to. He's my son, and I love him. He doesn't deserve to suffer because of my illness. But the consequence of this is that I end up bottling things up and taking more stress on board than is helpful.

I really intended to crack on with my dissertation today, but for whatever reason, whether it's the emotions, or the fact that my 'flow' was disrupted by the issues last week, I found it almost impossible to do any work. I made myself carry on, and I have written 300 words. I'm pretending to be happy about it, but really I feel like a failure. I joke about being distracted by the tennis, but really I was so focused on trying to squeeze the words out that the TV may as well have been switched off. It didn't help that I seem to have forgotten some (rather important) information, which meant that I had to dig it out and read it again. Failures like that frustrate me, and I do get angry with myself. Which I guess doesn't help.

My mood wasn't helped by the fact that I was on the receiving end of some (relatively harmless but nonetheless unpleasant) comments on Twitter. I had no idea about these until I went on today, and just happened to check my 'interactions' as they're called. I'd made a rather innocuous jokey comment and someone had retweeted it, and all of a sudden total strangers are calling me names, making it clear that they had read my brief 'bio', and tailoring the insults to that...being called a retarded (I hate that word) c*nt (hate that word too) was a bit of a shock, and I know that I shouldn't care what people I don't even know think of me but, ow, it hurt! It really did. Especially as several of them were going back and forth in 'conversation' about how awful I am. It felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach and I really wish I hadn't seen those tweets. No matter how hard I try, I cannot seem to get rid of those insults, they keep going round my head, and I can't stop feeling crap. I see stuff on FB and Twitter which I don't like, it happens all the time, but I wouldn't go after the person, especially if I didn't know them. I can't understand why people do that.

I really just want to go up, get into bed, and be able to read/snuggle with the cats/listen to some music, and hopefully fall asleep earlier than I did last night. However, as I have A, this is not possible. For whatever reason my ability to cope with this is very limited. I am really hoping that the evening is peaceful, so that we can both get a decent night's sleep and wake up refreshed tomorrow morning. I have to believe that tomorrow will be better.

I have nice plans for tomorrow: I'm seeing K, my friend who has been through so much with me. I haven't seen her for a while, as she is working now. But she is on maternity leave (squeal, so excited for baby cuddles), and so we are meeting up tomorrow. I cannot wait. It has been way too long and the feeling of excitement is (thankfully) breaking through the grimness of my other emotions. I'm taking tomorrow away from the dissertation. Today was such a disaster and I'm meeting K for lunch, so I've decided to dedicate tomorrow to getting 'tasks' done - posting things, going to the library, shopping and so on. It takes the pressure off, and hopefully means that by Wednesday I will be feeling much better and more capable. In theory, I should be able to crack on with the dissertation on Wednesday and make lots of lovely progress. Fingers crossed anyway.

So that's me, at the moment... Not doing brilliantly, but still fighting. When I post this, I'm going to have a chat with A, see what he feels like doing, and try to make the most of the rest of today. Hopefully I'll be able to relax and let some of this stress and anger go. I don't like having it, and it will leave eventually. In the meantime, Molly cat is snoring, which has at least made me chuckle a little bit... that and the rather awesome cartoon of myself which I made earlier (yeah, I was trying everything to make myself feel better). I was going to upload it for you all to see but Blogger is being a pain and won't let me upload any pictures...ah well.. next time, I promise.................